There are times when i think i can't be more aroused and then i am surprised again.

Sometimes soon after i put the plug in, i find i am walking about in almost a daze, needing to take deep breaths or grab on to something. Shortly after i take it out my cunt is very damp indeed, but in a rather more peaceful sort of way.

Today at work i closed my door, the blinds and lay down on the couch (not an analysts couch, just a somewhat shabby couch) and masturbated with the vibe. Sometimes i put my jacket over my lap, just in case someone should open the door without knocking -- they never have yet-- and my office is cold, so i could pretend to be taking a nap and humming to myself (ha ha who am i kidding). Anyway, it is only here at home, reflecting about it, that i feel a bit embarassed about masturbating at work, when i'm there i feel no problem with it at all.

i like to put the vibe in as deeply as i can and turn it on and just feel what i feel, not touch my clit or my cunt, but just feel the plug and the vibe and watch my arousal. Today i felt it rise and calmed myself with some deep breaths then let it rise again and again, until i finally really felt that i could not go farther without cumming. It took a few minutes before i could sit up and then stand up, my clit aching somewhat. Fortunately i had a bit of time before the next patient for things to subside a bit.

When we went to the concert (quite wonderful, Anthony Molinaro on piano, plus some Ravel that i hadn't heard before), i felt quite aroused being with S. Especially as we were walking to the church from the car and he took my hand. He was guiding me as to where to walk, next to him, or behind him, so that there would be more room for others to pass. i attended to this more than usual, letting him guide me and found it very arousing. During the concert i put a hand on his thigh and he covered it with his hand, that was very nice too. What can i say, sometimes i'm easy to please.

The concert was a fundraiser for services to prevent domestic violence, which seemed particularly appropriate at this time in my life. Somehow a needed balance to yet again have someone reflect on how peace begins at home in small things.

Music is so special to S. The best present i ever got for him was his ipod. And i should have spent the extra $50.00, because he's already filled this one up. At some point i may pick up my flute again and give it a whirl. S said he'd like to play a piece with me and i said to go ahead and get the music so i can learn it. He hasn't so far, but i think if i started playing on my own , he might actually go ahead and order the score.

Well, there's only so many hours in a day, and i want to get some rest to be ready for tomorrow.

Time
As i was reading and posting in the forum this evening, i thought again about how valuable this little community is to me. Topics come up that i would not have re-visited on my own and that can be very helpful.

For example in thinking about wearing skirts and about Catherine M's book, my thoughts turned to how suddenly (or it seems suddenly)i understand the impulse of some women to refer to themselves as "slaves". Because as i was posting and doing the dishes, i had the sense that my body was not "mine" in some sense and "my time" was not "mine" in some sense. Of course my body is always mine in the sense that i'm the one living in it, nothing except death can change that. But i can give over control of my body and my time as a gift, to S, to C for guidance, and to God.

When i was in Atlanta i started reading the Miracle of Mindfulness. i had listened to a tape by Naht Hahn on which he told the story about his friend who was a bit overwhelmed with fatherhood and marriage. His friend eventually saw all the time as his time and found a deeper peace. i was finding a deeper peace by thinking of "my time" as not really being mine, but being something to give towards the pleasure of others. (Now i did draw the line at watching J "kill" Gromit over and over again, i got up and left)
i had never really understood that story except on an intellectual level and now i think i have a deeper understanding of it. i think in a way being away from home and experiencing that few days where i allowed myself to feel and be guided towards feeling that deep loving towards everyone helped. And also tonight in writing in the forum about how S is not likely to want to share me sexually and finding that either way, being shared or not is arousing to me, as long as it is what pleases S. That was when i felt i understood why some women feel comfortable calling themselves slaves, even though they decidedly are not "enslaved" as i understand the term.

i didn't wear my plug at work today. i thought i left it at home. Then when i got home i realized it had been in my purse the whole time. It's still a bit hectic in the morning since i'm not used to the timing of the summer schedule yet.

For the moment i am caught up with laundry, oh there's always some mending that i can do or decide to just give the clothes away or toss them. And cleaning drapery etc. That hasn't been done in a while.

S finished up the dishes last night and that seems to be going smoothly too, and is beginning to take less time as i get the hang of it.

So this evening i started to work on the membership reports for May. i even braved starting a spreadsheet! i think that will make it easier in the future to keep track of dates, etc. i need to draft two new letters for that, which shouldn't take long.

i feel tired and if i try to look at the bigger picture of all i might want to do, i can get overwhelmed again. So it's easier to focus on one step at a time. So goals: i'm still working on the graduation gifts, vacation plans (it looks like we will just go on day trips or long week-ends), and first day school summer program. The graduation gifts are the most urgent. If we only go away for long week-ends, then it isn't that urgent because i don't have to clear my schedule at work. And i'm not the only one responsible for the summer program.

So overall i feel quite content today. i had two patients leave treatment, at least for the time being. One cured by tincture of time and the other totally ambivalent about whether she needs treatment or not. She comes in when her depression becomes overwhelming, then leaves a few months later telling me that she won't commit to anything. It's a bit sad because i've been working with her for several years (off and on) and now that she's older (college aged), she is less open and much more guarded. She used to think she might be gay, now she adamantly states that she is not. She spends a lot of time squelching herself and her feelings. Every once in a while i get a terrible fear that she is going to develop schizophrenia. i think she also fears this at times.

There was one patient i was almost tempted to teach some of the kundalini yoga to today. To give it a fair chance i want to try it with someone where our relationship is stronger. i have someone coming in tomorrow who is in crisis and it might be helpful for her.

i seem to be having some cramping, perhaps it is the errant period deciding to start after all. i'm going to lay down and see.

i feel as if i don't have too much to say, but then i always fool myself.

i had an interesting and somewhat exhausting initial evaluation today. An eleven year old girl and her mother came in due to conflicts between the girl and her step-father of the last three years. The mother kept saying, "What can I do?" Then trying to put the best face on things. The girl had gone to live with her father for a month early this spring, but the mother doesn't trust him and brought her back to her house. The child's symptoms were gone at the father's house and returned back with her mother.

Finally i had to kick mom out because her daughter couldn't speak openly with her in her room. i thought things were a bit strange because most parents expect and want their eleven year old to speak with me privately first, or privately at some point. The step-father doesn't do anything criminal, he just yells and doesn't listen at all. i told her that i would try to plant a seed in her mother's mind about going back to living with her father, but that things were going to take some time and she would need to continue being patient.

Then mom rejoined us and again was trying to act as if there was an easy fix somewhere. i said, "Things can't go on like this or something bad will happen." The mother agreed. i recommended family therapy and said i would arrange for it. i suggested that they consider getting a pet so that the girl can fall asleep more easily. "He'll never let that happen!" she said. then cried because after her mother re-married the step-father had gotten rid of the girl's cat. She kept crying and crying. The mother kept saying "That's all you want" in disbelief. The girl kept saying, "Yes that's all i want" (i tried to interject that she might very well want more at some later date). Then at last the mother started to cry and i felt relieved. "I didn't realize she was so upset!" And then the daughter looked at her mother and hugged her. i made empathic noises. i apologized for making them cry (ok i was being a bit facetious). They thanked me. So i felt i had done something good, but it was draining.

S got very anxious this afternoon when we had a change of plans, i felt guilty about it, but he did say that my message was perfectly clear. he had just gone into panic mode. When we walked tonight in the woods, he started saying, maybe there are snakes on the path. I don't hear any birds. i said, It's night, that's why you don't hear any birds. No snake in its right mind would be on this path!

He can really spook himself sometimes. i was worried and maybe a bit over-protective of him on the walk. i worried about his balance, about him limping more than usual, about whether he was tired and not complaining. So i can spook myself too. We didn't walk as far as i usually do. blue was a bit subdued, either tired from our last walk or timid with S around. i was listening to myself, trying to see if i was acting like a know it all, or in some subtle way being disrespectful. i don't think so, but time and more watching will tell.

i'm going to take a last stab at the laundry and get to bed.

i had a good day today. J got off to summer camp, it's a day camp at the YMCA. He likeded it. Except one boy annoyed him to the point that J ripped up his art project ( his own project). We taped it together tonight. i'm very glad i enrolled him , because he needs companionship so much and i could not provide as much socialization as he seems to need at home. He will go all summer, from 9 in the morning til 3 or later in the afternoon. i'll have to see how it goes and how much he likes it. i'm also relieved because P and J need some time away from each other. P will either stay at home or go around with S. i have him enrolled in a couple of week long day camps in July. i wanted to send him to a Quaker overnight camp, but we just don't have the money right now. Either the same camp i went to as a child, or one in New England.

i wanted to mention a couple of things i learned at the convention. i went to one symposium on aggressive behavior in children. It was nice because it helped to confirm the theory i usually work with, which is that generally the kids who get in trouble for aggressive behavior are the ones most responsive to treatment. They are the kids who are aggressive in response to anxiety, feeling trapped, or another overwhelming emotion. Speaker called this "impulsive-affective" aggression, in contrast to "controlled-preditory" aggression. The latter is typical of bullies who plan out their strategy and their victims in advance and who feel fairly calm while terrorizing. They are the kids who seldom get in trouble, because they seem to have a handle on things, but instead they have turned to the dark side!! (sorry, saw revenge of the Sith today) Actually what i see with them is that they are either out of touch with their emotions or incapable of feeling/using empathy. And generally they feel quite justified or apathetic about the pain they are causing others. Generally don't come in for treatment either.

Also i bought a device for treating pain and anxiety/depression via micro-current. It works for me, really relaxes my shoulders. So far it hasn't helped with S's arthritis pain, but i've only tried one treatment on him. After i try several more times i will see if it helps him or not. i think it may be helpful for some of my patients who don't respond well to medication and/or therapy. The kundalini yoga may be helpful also, but it's a harder sell, especially in the land of the Bible belt.

Better get to bed now, tired.

Reassuring Things
i forgot to post something last night, so thought i'd do it now.

At Meeting yesterday we had some visiting Mormons, who are grandchildren of one of our members. The mother brought two of them to my class. i asked how old they were and told the mother and the 13 year old girl that she would probably be more comfortable in the teen group. They looked a bit worried about that and i found myself surprised to see that i was winking at them. i suppose i was trying to reassure them.

i think i must wink at folks pretty often without realizing it. This was a relief to me, after winking at my yoga instructor. Not that that wasn't still inappropriate, but at least it made me feel that i'm not a cruel cock-teasing slut, just an ordinary slut.

Another reassuring thing is that when we made love last night, miraculously i was able to hold off on cumming until he came. i was able to think, to the extent that i was thinking coherently at all, that it was my arousal that was so pleasing to S. He confirmed that afterwards, saying, "you did well, you were very exciting, i like to get you excited to the point beyond all reason." When i did cum, it felt again more emotional than physical in nature, except for feeling very deeply relaxed.

Ups and Downs
Today i felt a lot of ups and downs emotionally. i still felt a bit fragile off and on all day. At times i felt quite overwhelmed, and inadequate. Then something would happen that enabled me to find some equilibrium.

i taught first day school today, and that went all right. It is pretty amusing to be teaching a lesson on a Quaker martyr and have three of the children chanting "Yes, yes, yes!" everytime she gets imprisoned. And rooting for her to be hanged. Finally i just decided to give in to the absurdity and if they were quiet when i mentioned imprisonment i would say "Where's my cheering section?" They did seem disgusted by flogging, which was encouraging to me. At least there is some limit to their sadism, the little blood-thirsty peacebuilders. i tried to raise the moral tone by asking them what they would be willing to be imprisoned for. i think i got about 3 minutes of semi-serious discussion from that. Not too bad for a class of mostly 6 year olds. Then we did origami, which was quite helpful in centering them a bit. i'll have to keep that in mind for the future. i had to laugh to myself when one woman shared about wanting to have "the pure non-judgemental love that children have". Well at times they have that, and at other times something else entirely.

Later one of the more troublesome teens teased and finally stretched J to the breaking point. He had held him over the railing and of course J was afraid he'd be dropped. He's the clerks son (she rotates off, which will be good for him, and her), and has Tourette's, although the tics are in good control, his general impulsiveness is not. J wanted me to talk to "that guy's" mother, so we did.

i always feel a bit like an idiot when i speak with her. i don't know why, i generally don't consider myself particularly idiotic. Oblivious at times, definitely, but not idiotic. i guess whenever we speak, she generally seems to be trying to impart a deeper message to me. So it's a bit like constantly being in a class with the teacher playing "Guess what I'm thinking" instead of just telling or not telling. Then when i do guess, she says, "No, you only found part of the answer, so I guess I have to tell you the rest." Ok, now i see why i feel like an idiot when i speak with her. She does have a lot of wisdom in general, so i do try to listen carefully and watch her carefully to see what i can learn from her.

We spoke about her son and my son and none of us were particularly satisfied. Her son put the best possible face on things, which definitely is understandable, but aggravating. i tried to talk w J about how to avoid such situations in the future, but basically ended up saying that he should try not to play with the clerk's son, since he is unpredictable. Not a very gracious thing to tell one's child, but there you have it. It isn't the first time that J has been physically threatened by him. They know too well how to get on each other's nerves.

J of course did not want to talk about that and i got aggravated with him, and finally excused myself for a "time out". i sat on one of the little decks and used the meditation i learned, the simple one and it helped a good bit. i'm going to write it out here, so that i can practice teaching it, in effect.

First you need to find your third eye, which is where the bridge of you nose connects with your brow. If you press gently with a fingertip on the third eye place it will feel a bit tender. Now you know where it is.

Next you need to breath only through your nose, you can keep your eyes open, or closed. Closed is a bit better. Sitting up straight , feet on the floor is a good idea too. (i don't think it matters if your legs are spread wide or not). Breathe in and hold your breath in for 3-4 seconds. While holding your breath say silently the syllables VIC TOR EEE. Focus strongly on the third eye while saying the silent syllables. It's important not to just say "victory", because it won't work. It's the sound vibrations that are important more than the meaning of the word. Then breathe out slowly through your nose. Repeat for as long as you need to feel calm. Once you have some practice you may or may not feel a pulsing or see light or colors at your third eye. That's normal, either way.
That's it, very simple. Yogi Bhajan discovered this meditation. Ideal for westerners who feel inhibited about chanting or making a lot of loud breathing noises.

The pulsing and/or lights are supposed to mean that there is increased blood flow and activity in the pituitary gland.

We returned home from Meeting and went to J's orientation for summer camp. Then home and i took P out shopping, then groceries, etc. Anyway i felt again a bit put upon and discouraged. When i masturbated in the morning and this evening, i used my mantra, modified a bit to : "i choose to obey, i choose to please" and that seemed to help. i thought i was going to need to use the full meditative masturbation, but couldn't figure out when i would be able to do that.

Then when i sat with S, i felt reassured. He let me cuddle with him and kiss him and i felt better. i have been thinking about my fears of expressing what i want. Although still even figuring out what i want seems to be a challenge for me. i started reading "The Surrendered Wife" while i was in Atlanta and found that a lot of it made sense to me. i am more confounded by the asking for what i want. First one has to know what one wants, then one has to trust more deeply than i do now, that someone actually cares about what i want enough to try to discern if
it's something i ought to have or not and then that the someone cares enough to actually do something about it. Well now i think on it i have asked S for a couple of things, once i asked him to fix the upstairs toilet for my birthday, and he did. Although he was a bit perplexed that i would ask for that, but it was what i really wanted. Then i told him that i wanted us to be out of debt, or at least less in debt. And that i want us to be in the clear with the IRS. And he is working on those things. As i have too. And i have told him, that when i need another car, i would like to have a Prius. So i guess i'm not as lame as i thought.

i just am not to the point of asking for things that i am not sure if i want them or not. i worry about being a burden, about being rejected and even more about my response to feeling rejected. i don't seem to do well with disappointment ( not that most people do), i just think about my reactions to the whole heels thing and roll my eyes at myself. Anyway i found that part of just saying what you want and trusting confusing. But i guess for things i REALLY am clear about wanting i can do that more easily than i thought. It's things i'm anxious about, like anal sex, well like anything where i feel S would be uncomfortable with it, that i get very nervous. What if i make a gift of myself and no one wants me? Sort of the O dilemma. As i said, i'm not feeling that anxious about this right now, but there are times when i do get worried.

This morning in bed i was snuggling up to S, and started kissing his shoulder. He said, "I haven't had a bath". i said that i didn't care, but he told me no. So i stopped, feeling somewhat disappointed. "Besides" he said, "there's no way I could sleep if you did that (gave him a bj)" i was a bit sad about it, i had been looking forward to giving him a bj. i know he needs more rest when his arthritis is bad. It took me a few minutes to calm myself. "I love you" he said. i was able to relax into that and feeling him next to me. i dozed for a while before getting up.

This evening after dinner i had a bit of difficulty staying at the table while he chatted. my tendency is to want to get up and go on to the next task. It helped to focus on my arousal and on just sitting there. Sometimes i find it a challenge to listen because he has a high interest in what i consider trivia. Usually after a while i can find something to comment on or that is of some interest to me. And i have to remember that i haven't been around for almost a week, so he has a lot of thoughts to run by me that he couldn't share while i was gone. i am not as successful with this as i would like. Part of my problem, is that i do not divide my attention well. i have to do one thing at a time usually. So if i am focused on a task, especially if i am reading something and he starts to speak to me . . . there is no way. Generally i stop what i am doing to listen/speak to him. But sometimes i don't and that hurts his feelings.
"I'm boring you again" he says. Generally i say something along the line of "i want to listen to you." Since sometimes i am bored with the content of what he is saying, but i definitely do want to listen to him.

i was feeling somewhat satisfied, since i got caught up with ironing, finished the dishes and cleared off most of the kitchen counters of clutter. i had hoped to get to the grocery store, but as time grew short i realized that i had enough food to make dinner. This evening i feel some discontent, and even felt some resentment about doing as much around the house as i did. i haven't felt that for quite some time.

So leaving that, for the moment anyway, what about the scarf? And etc.? i presume. The scarf . . . well i've never done any bondage with other people. On my own i've constricted my self at times and found it quite arousing. Sometimes S will put his foot over mine and hold it for a while with just his weight so that i can't move my leg easily. And i like that a lot.

This was different. i didn't find it directly arousing. i found the scarf more comforting. The silky feel, the limited movement of my hands, except when one would slip out in my sleep. The bed was a platform type, so there was nothing i could attach to. so i tied my hands together, loosely. The comfort of being tied like that felt very very natural to me. That was a surprise. If it were a practical thing i would just have stayed tied, but it is not practical, or socially acceptable. Instead i either wore the scarf as a belt, or carried it in my purse, where it is right now. i don't understand why this experience was so comforting but it was, and just thinking about it is very comforting.

The vibe, other than my "overuse" of leaving it in me for longer than i was supposed to, i also find it very enjoyable. After the first night, i found that
i would cum with it very quickly, even if i was trying to delay and even without touching my clit. Today when i mastubated with it in my cunt, i made an effort to see if i could tolerate it inside me for longer without cumming. i could "ride the wave" and get myself to back off once and then the second "wave" was higher and i turned it off and pulled it out, because i felt i wouldn't be able to stop. After that first night i didn't feel the deep calm as much. But today i did feel that sense of calmness before the vibrations got intense enough that my arousal started to take off. i like feeling it deep inside me, esp. when i am plugged.

i'm going to write more about some of what i learned at the convention, for example there was a talk about aggression that had some useful points in it, i thought. But i can't remember what they were at present.

S felt he was too dirty for me this morning (well he really wanted to keep sleeping also). i thought later today, if he feels squeamish about this, maybe he will never feel comfortable about anal sex either. It's ironic in a way, given that he lived in a morgue for a couple of years and saw who knows how many autopsies. He's licensed as a plumber and has dealt with that sort of mess countless times. He's happy as a clam covered in motor oil working on a truck, but he doesn't want me to give him a bj when his cock's a bit musky! i don't get it, but to each his own, i suppose. Patience patience and all that.

Not Able to Hold Back
Last night when S and i made love i sought very deeply not to cum, but he was not going to cum for a long while and when i let go and came i was unable to hold back and came several times. Of course it was wonderful. He said "I know you would have enjoyed it more if I'd finished." And i laughed and said "Well it's not exactly as if i'm unhappy!"

This afternoon he was feeling awful with arthritis. He joked with me, that at least his cock didn't hurt. i said that it also seemed to work quite well. "I don't know," he said, "I think we'd better keep testing it." i'm not going to object.

Convention stuff:

My first class was the kundalini yoga class. It was focused on theory and scientific studies for the first third and then learning a variety of breathing and chanting techniques to control various mental disorders for the rest of the day. Some of them are supposed to be curative, if one has the discipline to do them properly. The most ironic one is the one for ADHD which has a very complex breathing pattern. It seems as if one almost can't have ADHD to be able to do the pattern, unless one is coached.

Some of the theory is very interesting having to do with the two hemispheres of the brain. The left brain (and right side of body) is the male or sun brain, focused on practical details, making plans, etc. The right side of the brain (left side of body) is the female or moon brain, associated with rest, rejuvenation and expansive consciousness.

The theory and he has several studies which support it is that the hemispheres take turns being more active, hence periods of the day when one is more inclined to rest and others when one wishes to be more active. The studies showed that breathing through one nostril activates the contra-lateral side of the brain. However most of the breathing techniques did not require blocking off one nostril.

There is one very simple technique that i think i will teach to several of my patients to reduce anxiety. Some of the others require much more effort and/or chanting. i'm not sure how many would be comfortable with chanting. A good number of people here associate anything to do with yoga with Satanic worship. Go figure. The chanting is interesting because either the vibration caused by the sound and/or the pressure of the tongue on the roof of the mouth stimulates acupuncture points on the palate.

My emotional reaction. It was quite relaxing and invigorating. The instructor as i mentioned before, had an attractive personality for me. He had a good sense of humor and was pretty open about himself. He also had a no nonsense approach to his teaching. When a position was difficult, he would say "So it hurts, so what, there will be a lot of benefit from it." "Keep going, half way there". When some of the other students said, "How am I going to get my patients to do this?" He said, "They either do it or they don't, you can't control that, don't worry about it. It's not your problem. You just offer it to them."

When i went up to the front after the class, he was fiddling with his computer and i just stood there and waited, which is pretty much my style in those types of situations anyway. But i felt a much deeper stillness inside than i usually do. So when he was done with the computer and looked at me, i said "Thank You," And this part i'm not clear on, but i think . . . maybe . . . i winked at him. i almost can't believe i did that! But i think i really did. With all the meditating and breathing and my general state of mind that week-end i was not in my more grounded state of mind. And in my looser state of mind where in i see a lot of life as a pretty good joke; i can easily imagine winking. Because it seemed that he saw life as a pretty good joke too. But winking was not an appropriate thing, being a flirtatious act. Later on i was wandering about wondering what to do with myself when i saw him looking at a map of midtown Atlanta. That's when i was tempted to see if he wanted to have dinner with me. He looked up at me as i passed and his look was so direct and well . . . commanding, that it startled me. Mentally i thought, "What are you thinking about doing, silly girl! This man is too much for you and you have no business with him!" So i walked on by and happily ate a large steak. i felt much less airy after that. When i was a vegetarian amongst vegetarians that light-headed feeling was much sought after, but there is a lot to be said for gravity.

Being Home
It's very good to be here and to be journalling again in my own home. i can hear the kids doing their thing. i know that S is in the basement. The pets are all alive, although some of them were a bit underfed. (Guess i could have given S some specific advice on this) J and P have had a week of fast food meals. It's so good to see them. It makes me feel needed, but i don't buy S's helpless without me routine. J was hugging on me off and on during the closing to sell "my" house (which i never even saw). Even P's first words were a terse, "We've been waiting a week for you to get back."

When we left, of course we had separate vehicles. S said "I'll try to follow you" i gave him a puzzled look. i knew he knew the way home, why did he want to follow me. Then as we drove off i suddenly felt i understood! He wanted to keep an eye on me. i felt very protected, loved and aroused watching his truck in my rearview mirror. When we got separated by a red light i felt bereft for a bit. Being with him i feel so much more solid and present.

Driving home i was thinking about my feelings and interactions with people during my trip. i felt very open and vulnerable, esp. on Saturday, the first day after the new discipline involving scarves, vibe in my cunt and plug up my ass. i kept that feeling of being very open and childlike the whole trip. Except after the helpful reminder that i shouldn't act like everyone is my long lost friend, i made a conscious effort to be a bit more distant and self-absorbed. i understand more how i got into what seemed to be incredible situations in my teens. The desire to give pleasure to others and the openess, plus how very naive i was (of course). i felt more like myself in some way. This felt wonderful and also as time went on, frightening and tiring. Frightening because, except when i was in my courses, or doing my disciplines i began to have that drifting sense that i had no idea what to do with myself. That anyone or anything could pull me into their stream and i would just drift along with them. Tiring because there was no base, no focus.

As soon as i was with S again i started to feel much more grounded.

Before i end this to go to sleep, i wanted to make sure i'm clear on what is allowed without permission and what is not.

For example: i understand that giving my address to the man on the street is not allowed. Also making the arrangement for dinner that never happened with the man from Boston is not allowed without permission.

On Tuesday i took a course on managed care contracts. There were only about 5 of us in the course and the instructor and i ended up eating lunch together. Talked alot about negotiating with managed care companies and nothing personal except as related to my practice situation. Was this ok?

Then Tuesday evening had the reunion party with for my residency program. Just a drop in thing with fantastic food. They even had some simple food that i could eat, lamb, salad, fruit. It was great! Back to the point:
1. i met my best friend from residency who moved several years ago and we lost touch. She had her office across the hall from me my third year, plus we were already friends before that year. We exchanged adresses etc. Is that ok?
She was with her husband and it was wonderful to watch him gaze at her while we were chatting away. He adores her. He said "And just this morning she was saying 'If only I could meet c here it would be perfect!'"

2.She was pointed out to me by one of my chief residents from my first year of residency. He and i chatted quite a while too. i was always fond of him.

i set up his best friend with one of my friends and they ended up marrying. They already were very attracted to each other. Just when he asked me if she might go out with him and whether or not she was worried about her biological clock running down, i was able to say something that happened to be the perfect balance between she would love to go out with you, no she's not desperate to have a baby, in fact she's not actually desperate at all (which may have been stretching things a bit).

But we (now i'm talking about the former chief resident at the party) didn't exchange anything. OK, i admit i let him kiss my cheek when i left. i have to admit that i've always admired him. i wasn't even a blip on his radar back when i would have been available.

This next ties in, i noticed when i was happily drifting about smiling at everyone, that the feeling i had was not new to me. i used to have the same feeling of sublime happiness when i had the chance to stroll about New York City. Often (not always) i loved being surrounded by people, just any people, i felt wonderful with them around me, not even noticing or interacting with me, just to be in each others presence, walking about doing whatever we were doing. i realize now that there is a strong sexual component for me there, that a good part of my happiness in that situation was arousal. i don't know if i mentioned this before, but it has been in my mind a lot lately. When i interviewed for medical school, one interview was with a medical student. He asked me the infamous, why do you want to be a doctor question. And i answered tritely, to help people. So he said, "Well what have people done for you?" i was a bit stunned by his question and by how emotional i felt about it, "Everything, " i said, "People have given me everything." i was even teary eyed when i said it.

So somehow all this is connected with my inner, at times hidden, at times not, wanton sluttishness.

i will catch up my calendar in the morning, and hopefully will have a lot more journalling time this week-end because there is still a lot to talk about.