Being Home
It's very good to be here and to be journalling again in my own home. i can hear the kids doing their thing. i know that S is in the basement. The pets are all alive, although some of them were a bit underfed. (Guess i could have given S some specific advice on this) J and P have had a week of fast food meals. It's so good to see them. It makes me feel needed, but i don't buy S's helpless without me routine. J was hugging on me off and on during the closing to sell "my" house (which i never even saw). Even P's first words were a terse, "We've been waiting a week for you to get back."

When we left, of course we had separate vehicles. S said "I'll try to follow you" i gave him a puzzled look. i knew he knew the way home, why did he want to follow me. Then as we drove off i suddenly felt i understood! He wanted to keep an eye on me. i felt very protected, loved and aroused watching his truck in my rearview mirror. When we got separated by a red light i felt bereft for a bit. Being with him i feel so much more solid and present.

Driving home i was thinking about my feelings and interactions with people during my trip. i felt very open and vulnerable, esp. on Saturday, the first day after the new discipline involving scarves, vibe in my cunt and plug up my ass. i kept that feeling of being very open and childlike the whole trip. Except after the helpful reminder that i shouldn't act like everyone is my long lost friend, i made a conscious effort to be a bit more distant and self-absorbed. i understand more how i got into what seemed to be incredible situations in my teens. The desire to give pleasure to others and the openess, plus how very naive i was (of course). i felt more like myself in some way. This felt wonderful and also as time went on, frightening and tiring. Frightening because, except when i was in my courses, or doing my disciplines i began to have that drifting sense that i had no idea what to do with myself. That anyone or anything could pull me into their stream and i would just drift along with them. Tiring because there was no base, no focus.

As soon as i was with S again i started to feel much more grounded.

Before i end this to go to sleep, i wanted to make sure i'm clear on what is allowed without permission and what is not.

For example: i understand that giving my address to the man on the street is not allowed. Also making the arrangement for dinner that never happened with the man from Boston is not allowed without permission.

On Tuesday i took a course on managed care contracts. There were only about 5 of us in the course and the instructor and i ended up eating lunch together. Talked alot about negotiating with managed care companies and nothing personal except as related to my practice situation. Was this ok?

Then Tuesday evening had the reunion party with for my residency program. Just a drop in thing with fantastic food. They even had some simple food that i could eat, lamb, salad, fruit. It was great! Back to the point:
1. i met my best friend from residency who moved several years ago and we lost touch. She had her office across the hall from me my third year, plus we were already friends before that year. We exchanged adresses etc. Is that ok?
She was with her husband and it was wonderful to watch him gaze at her while we were chatting away. He adores her. He said "And just this morning she was saying 'If only I could meet c here it would be perfect!'"

2.She was pointed out to me by one of my chief residents from my first year of residency. He and i chatted quite a while too. i was always fond of him.

i set up his best friend with one of my friends and they ended up marrying. They already were very attracted to each other. Just when he asked me if she might go out with him and whether or not she was worried about her biological clock running down, i was able to say something that happened to be the perfect balance between she would love to go out with you, no she's not desperate to have a baby, in fact she's not actually desperate at all (which may have been stretching things a bit).

But we (now i'm talking about the former chief resident at the party) didn't exchange anything. OK, i admit i let him kiss my cheek when i left. i have to admit that i've always admired him. i wasn't even a blip on his radar back when i would have been available.

This next ties in, i noticed when i was happily drifting about smiling at everyone, that the feeling i had was not new to me. i used to have the same feeling of sublime happiness when i had the chance to stroll about New York City. Often (not always) i loved being surrounded by people, just any people, i felt wonderful with them around me, not even noticing or interacting with me, just to be in each others presence, walking about doing whatever we were doing. i realize now that there is a strong sexual component for me there, that a good part of my happiness in that situation was arousal. i don't know if i mentioned this before, but it has been in my mind a lot lately. When i interviewed for medical school, one interview was with a medical student. He asked me the infamous, why do you want to be a doctor question. And i answered tritely, to help people. So he said, "Well what have people done for you?" i was a bit stunned by his question and by how emotional i felt about it, "Everything, " i said, "People have given me everything." i was even teary eyed when i said it.

So somehow all this is connected with my inner, at times hidden, at times not, wanton sluttishness.

i will catch up my calendar in the morning, and hopefully will have a lot more journalling time this week-end because there is still a lot to talk about.