Difference
i've been thinking a lot (as usual) about my fears of being "usual", or as i used to put it "normal". This always annoyed my friends immensely, since they were into being normal. However i was not. Even around nine or ten, when most kids are desperate to fit in, i wanted to be different. Or, as i have been pondering this odd desire, i felt i was different, so via sour grapes logic, i decided to take pride in being different. Sort of a reverse snobbism.

Why did i feel so different? i'm not exactly sure. my parents did not exactly value conformity, so that played a role. my mother worked as a scientist at a time when that was quite uncommon. my father wasn't all that interested in sports or anything athletic. Well maybe ballet or dance. And my parents were much older than everyone else's, my mother was 38 when i was born and my father was 49. that's not so unusual these days, but it was then.

At any rate it hardly matters why. What is more interesting to me is my fear. It is like i felt and sometimes still do fear that if i am not different enough, i will cease to exist. Or become invisible. i have often felt invisible in the past and powerless, paralysed. Especially when i would just cut off from my feelings.

Then today i read a post about the wonders of high heels, i should have just stopped as soon as i saw what the topic was about, given that this is a sore point for me. But Nooooo! i had to read on and even look at the link. When i started to fix dinner i felt a rush of upset sweep over me. i felt sorry for myself with my little shaped like duck's feet. i felt misunderstood, etc. etc. Then i thought , "This is just like those posts concerning 'withholding sex'. Stop it cathy, just stop" i reminded myself that i have a plan for the whole shoe thing. When i have enough money i am going to order shoes from Zappo's and try them on at home and return the ones that don't fit perfectly. And that's that. Remembering that i had a plan already helped me calm down.

Then i thought about appearing more feminine and how as a young woman i was often more concerned with wanting to look less feminine, either because of dykehood, or just to avoid men in general. Of course my mother was not really into getting dolled up. Wore lipstick and that was about it. Had no high heels. i saw a mother painting her little daughter's toe nails on my walk. That never happened to me. And my mother felt incompetent at that sort of thing. We tried to curl my hair once with rollers with disassterous results. We laughed a lot.

Another thing that is connected to all this is the membership secy work. This is the sort of job that i avoid and feel sure that i won't be able to be organized enough to do at all, much less adequately. i'm the worst for birthdays and the usual social niceties. So it's odd to have a feeling of being a hostess of a sort. Odd to watch the mixed responses i get and what strategies seem to help women decide they can post. Actually i've only tried two strategies so far. The most successful to date is telling them they don't have to post and i'll just nag them about it again later. Well i say it in a much more friendly manner.
i may have to be a bit more firm in the next go round, but i haven't quite figured that part out yet.

i missed stretching once or twice in the last week, partly due to illness. i think i need to make sure to do it early in the day. If i leave it til night then i seem to make excuses, even though it doesn't take much time.

Tomorrow i will make up my goal list again. At least i got a few things done. And feeling like Scarlett O'Hara, i will leave saying "Tomorrow is another day!!" Too bad i don't have the accent to pull it off.

Anger and allergies
Not feeling too well today, miserable with pollen.

This morning i got up earlier than usual because of FDS committee. S and i had talked about how to deal with it last night. S wanted us to all go in my car because of the expense of gas, etc. So i got up, got ready. He was still in the shower and i really wanted to leave in about 15 minutes, so i asked him if he still wanted to get the kids up and go. He said yes, but in a kind of short way. (ie If you don't get the kids up, i don't know that i'll be able to get them up in time and i think i just won't bother going). And i found that i was angry. i said ok and went to get the kids ready. During which time i also took care of the dogs, cleaned up after pipsqueak, made sure they had food, water, clean straw in the pen outside, etc. Then got J up and dressed. Got P up and ready. i was angry, all the while doing this, and tried to both just watch my upset and focus on being aroused. i thought, i have a focus for meditating in meeting today!! i felt angry because on one hand S hates for anyone to be late for anything, yet i get three people (and two dogs) ready to go in the time that it takes him to get himself ready to go.

Of course there are mitigating factors such as rheumatoid arthritis and his higher standard of grooming (even now) than mine. And i am so used to doing most of what i do in the mornings that i don't really even have to think about it.

Anyway when i got back upstairs he was dressed (but not shaved, which was a concession on his part), and he said, "Just go ahead and leave". i had explained about it taking me longer because of the dogs. i said, "Well all we have to do now is dump the kids in the car and go. We might as well all go together." So we went more or less grumpily out to the car. i wasn't as upset as i had been. Then as we sat down, he said, "We had discussed this last night." And said something else apologetic. Then the anger was gone completely and i was greatly relieved. And my meeting hadn't started when we arrived just a few minutes late.

After Meeting i developed a terrific headache. i was reading CM at home when i lay down waiting for the worst to be over. It was ironic that it was part of the book in which she discusses migraines and the odd things that pain does to one's state of consciousness. After a time i slept some, S was with me which was nice. The rest of the afternoon i was in a fog, still am a little bit. My headache is not completely gone, but my sinuses are clearing and i am no longer shakey and nauseous. i think my mistake was not wearing my mask a bit yesterday and when i took the dogs out this morning, i tried to hold my breath, but must not have the whole time.

i'm so glad that it's going away. Before i knew i was allergic to soybeans i would spend weeks with a terrible chronic headache. My last year of college i had to take incompletes because i spent so much time lying around feeling miserable. That's when i was a vegetarian still and i ate a lot of soy. In between naps i would read a lot, it helps distract from the pain. But i felt terribly guilty about it. i tended to make everything into a psychological problem and wanted to believe that i could make myself well through sheer force of will. i was diagnosed with the inhalant allergies that year. Hearing the results, one of my professors said, "She's allergic to life!!" At any rate the medications helped enough that i was able to make up my work and finish without problems.

Then in medical school i continued to be ill a lot but just pushed through it. Same in residency, although it wasn't quite as bad then. Probably because i was indoors so much!! And by then i had more acceptance of having allergies. i think too that during residency i was living alone and ended up having rather odd eating patterns, which amounted to a rotation diet of sorts. Especially in the evenings i might just pick up some vegetable in the stores and have that for dinner with a slice of bread. i had given up on being vegetarian during medical school, usually i didn't eat meat, but i didn't worry about it if i did. i was quite thin and didn't want to get any thinner.

When S and i started dating he would call me in the evening to make sure i'd eaten something, because i would get caught up in doing something and forget to eat. It seems amusing now, looking back that he was helping me that way back then. After i was diagnosed with the food allergies, S stopped wanting to cook. He had done a lot of the cooking. i think he was quite dismayed to learn that he had been "poisoning" me by feeding me tofu marinated in soy sauce in the lunches i brought from home!

That was sort of what happened last night at the spaghetti dinner, i asked what was in the sauce before eating any of it. The woman who had made the sauce showed me the recipe and then said she had added soy protein too. (Oh Boy!!) So i was very thankful to have asked. Although the last time i put the texturized vegetable protein in my mouth, i gagged with just a crumb of it. Still i'd rather not take that chance. i almost ate the salad which would have been ok except that i'd just had lettuce the night before. And i had already messed up Saturday by forgetting and eating some lettuce while i made the salad for S!

So i put the salad back a bit sadly and was thankful for the mashed potatoes i'd brought with me. i noticed last night that the folks at friends meeting didn't make me feel as if they were sorry for me in their questions about my diet restrictions, just politely interested, glad that i seemed to have a handle on things. One woman did say "The things we take for granted!" i watched myself in this other venue of my life and felt that i struggle still with dealing with it gracefully. i tend to have a bit of bluster about it still. Still some feeling sorry for myself and making maybe a bigger deal of it than it needs to be. i don't know, eating is such an important social aspect of life that i can't judge (and of course it's not my place to judge anyway). There have been a few times lately when i've really craved coffee, just wanted to dive into a vat of it and guzzle away. Oh well.

i got dinner done tonight, but not in a very timely fashion. : (.

Well i had some things in mind to write about, but now they've flown.

This morning i was very aroused and actually i had been very aroused the night before, but S was very very tired. So this morning i woke up, went to the bathroom and got back in bed. He had just gotten up to get a drink. He was lying on his side with his back away from me and i cuddled up behind him and after a while put my hand over his waist and on his cock. And did nothing in case he really wasn't interested. He didn't do anything, so i went ahead playing a bit and when he turned on his back, i had my opportunity to give him a bj, which i really really enjoyed!! At the start i was kneeling to his side and the heel of my foot would brush against my cunt from time to time, but then as things heated up i just straddled his legs and i was very wet with nothing else going on except his cock in my mouth. It's sort of amazing to me how much pleasure i get from this. After a good while he asked me to move up. i was too excited to stop from cumming before he started cumming. When he did he thrust very hard and lifted me off the bed. We were finished, i thought, then i felt his cock begin to soften a bit and i came again. i wanted to lay there with him inside me longer, but he wanted to sleep some more before his meeting. So i lay on my side and then he wrapped his arm around me. There's almost nothing better than that, to me.

i almost put off doing my shower, shave, routine. Then i thought, just do it, you're going to do it later anyway. When i got to the hairstyle bit, i found i was feeling resentful. So i curled my hair up and out instead of under. The effect was a bit like in my picture. That did make it easier. And then i wore my red sundress, which is very light, sleeveless and fairly short. i thought S might enjoy it. He did seem to. When i went out, i changed because i wasn't sure he'd want me out in it (and he wasn't home to ask). i also tried out a garter belt that i bought last night when i went out with P. Sometimes the thigh highs are frustrating. But i don't like this particular garter belt either. i like the feeling of the garter belt a lot, but unless i'm wearing a fairly long skirt this one is not so great, because i'm not really wearing it to advertise to everyone that i'm wearing stockings and a garter belt. i think being on the short side is part of the problem. So i will keep looking around.

Before i went to Meeting, i was not sure if i should cook for dinner or let S and the boys have left-overs. After pondering needlessly, i decided to ask S if he would like me to fix dinner before i left. At first he said no,"You do so much already. I'm just sitting around. You'll be late for the dinner." i said, "They just start serving at 6, it's ok to get there later. " He paused for a moment and then said, "In that case, yes". So i said ok and hugged him. He complained more about feeling a bit overwhelmed. And i said, well you have just taken on a lot. (The new apartment complex, in the red so far). So i cooked and felt ok in the sense of some satisfaction. i don't seem to have turned into a robot yet. (Or people are being very polite about the transformation).

i don't know how S can stand taking risks, but he actually seems to need it. He has always been involved in some type of high risk activity. Or has wanted to be involved in one. i think the real estate investing is much less risky than some things he's done. And in the long run i do think it will work out well. i'm just glad that he's in the thick of it day to day. i'm not sure that i could manage the way he does. Well i could probably manage, but i think i would hate every minute of it. And i keep becoming more impressed as he learns more and more about what he's doing. Well he's home now, and i'm going to chat and then take Blue (the real dog) on a walk.

Several things: But i'm going to make you wait for the anti-climax!!

First off, thank you t for being such a great role model and of course C too. It's making this new role much easier. It is quite odd how it is like my usual work and yet not at all like it. Very interesting how different things are a big deal or a non-issue for each of us. i mean everyone knows that, but it doesn't slap us in the face everyday either. It reminds me how i did some communication exercises with P when he and i seemed to be in constant verbal battles (he was 4, but what a 4 year old!) One of the exercises had us each with a piece of paper showing different activities or things (eg ice cream, rain, etc) and we each separately circled things blue that made us feel happy, red for sad, yellow for scared. P circled a boy swimming with yellow. At first i assumed he had made a mistake, but no he had had a bad experience at the pool which i didn't know about. So that taught me that even with all my "training" i was still wanting to walk around thinking that everyone feels like i do. And unfortunately, it's still true!! LOL (or should i be crying) At least some of the time i'm aware of that assumption.

Last night when i was walking i found myself thinking a lot about one of my supervisors in residency training. i had a lot of good supervisors and he was one of them. i thought of him as an iron needle in a velvet glove, because he was very soft spoken and gentle in his manner, but when you understood what he was getting at it felt like being stabbed! i was so hurt once that i started crying and blubbered through the rest of my process notes. But the next session he spent a long time telling me that analysis and psychotherapy were the hardest things he had ever learned. Very reassuring. Another memory is once after i had my hair cut in a bob, he said, "You cut your hair, it''s not unbecoming."
i took it as a compliment. i guess there was no way of interpreting that as flirtation though!!

Then i remembered two supervisors who had steered me wrong. One of them, i think was just a bit careless, and i'm not really sure what the right approach would have been, or if there was a right approach.

The other one was just a couple years ahead of me since being out of residency. He gave me a therapy patient who he felt was ready for insight oriented psychotherapy. i wasn't so sure, but plowed ahead dutifully. Well after he became psychotic and suicidal the second time; i decided that maybe i wasn't so ignorant after all. i put the brakes on big time, kept him in the present and then he slowly began to do quite well. i think my supervisor was right, that eventually he could do insight oriented therapy, but timing is everything.

i realized something else after t gave me that helpful feedback about doing something different to not feel so "usual" and thus tolerating routine (hopefully) more easily. What i realized is that there is a whole other level of trust, that i have yet to realize with S. That is the level of trusting him to listen to me, to care about what i feel, to be able to discern what i need and make sure that i have what i need (or have the opportunity to get what i need).

Tonight S peeked in on me while i was on the forum and said, what should I be doing? What should I be reading?

i smiled at him and first said "Nothing. You're perfect the way you are." Then he laughed and asked again. So i said, "You should do whatever you want. " He still looked perplexed and disatisfied, so i finally said, "You can look at the website, if you want." ( the public parts obviously) So i hope that's ok. i had sort of assumed that maybe he had looked at the website already, but apparently He's been extra careful to let me keep all this private and not to pry. Which given his curious nature has taken a good deal of restraint on his part.

Ok, finally the e-mail to the man from my past. Well my brother e-mailed me yesterday, and there is a re-union of all the LRYers at the retreat center we used to gather at this October!! And most likely all the central people in my old crowd will be there. This friend is the guy who borrowed me from DJ one night and two or more years later took me out dancing and told me to "Go East, young woman!"
So i sent him a little note and he wrote back and gave me a summary of the last 25 years. He sent a picture and though grayer he is definitely the same guy, absolutely. My brother is thinking of going. i might go but only if S goes, it would just be too wierd otherwise, especially because it seems almost definite that DJ would be there. On the other hand, one of my favorite girl-friends is helping to organize it, and the Magician is going to be there too. So tomorrow i plan to send him my little summary of the last 25 years. Haven't discussed it with S today, he's very tired. Probably should be able to tomorrow after he gets back from his men's group/breakfast.

How do i feel about those days now? i feel a much deeper understanding of what i was looking for falling into bed so easily. i understand why i kept doing it even though i wasn't getting much direct physical enjoyment, other than being held. (Although at the time that felt just about as necessary as air). And i also understand much more clearly why i held so much back and didn't give much of my feelings in general. And also why everyone was confused about my motivations. Really i wanted to give pleasure and found that very gratifying, even when i wasn't really into it for myself, or maybe more so when i wasn't into it. But i didn't trust anyone to really care for me or about my feelings. Especially not men, and too these were very young men, not terribly protective. At any rate, i wasn't in a place where i could give that depth of trust. And i think that was a lot of my depression, frustration and sadness at the time. Besides the problems with my relationships with my mother, brother and father. There's still some feelings about that time, well regrets, sadness. i was in so much pain. And of course there was no real support for being submissive, and still also not a lot of support for being independent either. The bank didn't want to give my mother her own credit card!! (1971) My mother had to threaten to call the Equal Opportunity Commission to get one. Well i'm about to turn into a pumpkin. Stretching some and to bed.

Well, a long day and i'm tired. Much easier than yesterday. i still feel kind of behind on everything. Fortunately tomorrow is Friday and hopefully my health will hold together so i can get some things done on my goals, and NOT avoid them.

i need to make phone calls for work and hopefully can get that done in the morning as i have about an hour with no patients scheduled, unless they put some in since this afternoon. P comes home tomorrow. It will be very exciting to hear what he has to say about his experience. Usually with him it comes out in little pieces when i least expect it.

It was easy to get a break from the routine today with the start of monitoring and then the long dinner thingy with Dr. M and the hospital people. It was mostly "networking", isn't that what people used to call it? Actually it was also political back scratching, because we would prefer that hospital to put a branch in our backyard than any of the other hospitals. And we want the current slime-ball hospital out, out, out. And good riddance too. But i told Dr. M that i was pleased because although it was clear that the admin. man wanted to promise us things to make us like him, he didn't promise us anything. So i feel he is pretty much a straight shooter. Everyone sympathized over my not drinking coffee, me too. "Poor me!" ; ). i ate before leaving, but decided to eat something there so that i wouldn't be somewhat anti-social. So i ate off rotation and that will make for an interesting next few days, avoiding what i ate last night.

S is getting attached to puppy. Blue doesn't know what to think. The owner did call, but can't keep the dog in her new place. It's cute but i'm so atuned to Blue that i think of it as "the pipsqueak" and am all for naming it "skunk". So we may see if the woman down the road wants to buy it. She has a female Boston terrier and wants a male, i guess to breed them? Anyway, she would take excellent care of him. But since both S and J are attached to the dog, i'm quite happy to let S decide this one. For the dog it's a win-win situation anyway.

i am more easy overall. My arousal is creeping back. It's not really at it's best during my period, even when i'm not rebelling. Guess i'll just have to masturbate more! (Gee what i go through!!)

i felt awful emotionally this morning. i got through putting P on the bus for camp and J off to school.

When i started going through my morning routine, it was just about all i could do to do it(ie shaving). i was so angry. i kept telling myself that i can stop and turn away from this at any time. And that was helpful to some extent. Hey it got me through medical school!

i felt extremely rebellious and when i was shaving i was so angry that i felt like destorying something. Given that i had a razor in my hand, i laid down on the floor and did nothing for a time until i calmed myself. i lay there for a couple minutes after S had called to me "Hey are you ok in there?" (i said yes). Then i picked myself up and starting shaving again.

i got through breakfast and did not follow my usual calendar routine and left the house feeling very wicked. Also i would have been really late for work if i had filled in my calendar. i almost didn't put the plug in, but put it in and told myself that i could take it out anytime. It didn't feel so good inside me, as it usually does and i took a preverse pride in that. i carried on with my "rebellion" throughout work. It was nice to slip into my "doctor persona" so that i was removed from my own upset. However i did not engage in my usual silly banter with the staff, no jokes, i just wasn't up to it. When i had a no show, i refused to masterbate. i laid down and sulked instead.
Ironically, i had forgotten completely to put panties on this morning. So i went to the bathroom fairly frequently to make sure i was fairly tidy and wouldn't ruin my skirt.

However as i drove home i felt my mood beginning to lift, in spite of myself and some of my "evil" arousal was peeking through too. Betrayed yet again by my own body.

i kept thinking that there was no possible way i could sign myself participant when i was in this kind of mood. "Ask me again next week." i thought.

All of this comes from my fear of change, my fear of the dreaded routine. That somehow i will be gone, vanished and replaced by some type of alien (to me) creature. Who of course could not possibly be as nice or fun as the current "i" is.

So then i come home and find a message about monitoring. i was excited and dismayed. Now He's gone and done it, a new challenge, just the thing to grab me. And lift my mood. And "cause" me to neglect my more routine duties. Although i did do well with dinner, i must say. i still don't know why i've been so upset exactly, because now that i'm not so upset i can recite the words i was saying to myself, but i can't identify with the feeling so much now, except that it was definitely fear of change. Fear of allowing myself to change/be changed. Fear of letting go of choices. Trust issues big time. Alot of teenage type language, like "No one understands, no one cares how i feel about any of this, etc".

Tonight i have a splitting headache, perhaps from the new dirty puppy. Perhaps not. There's still a lot of pollen out there. A tenant left a puppy tied to a table in an apartment, with just a bowl of food. S found the puppy, which looks to be a Boston terrier. He put some tape on the door to see if anyone came to check on it. Then when no one had the first night, he asked if we could keep it at our house and see if the owner calls about him. i said it was fine, we could tell J that it belongs to someone else and that we are keeping it for a few days. Of course he is adorable and pathetic. His little rib bones and hip bones jutting out. He seems to have some minor health problems too. S takes him to the vet to get checked out on Tuesday. Very friendly, seems pretty bright.
Blue is not sure what to think of him and vice versa. But they did make a stab at playing together, a bit nervously. So that's something. S seems to really like him. i'm more concerned with how Blue is taking it. i think she's mystified, but ok, mostly wants to make it clear to him that i belong to Blue and not some runty dog that dropped out of nowhere. They both need baths, so that gets added on, esp. if the weather's warm so i can let the sun heat up some water in the kiddie pool.

Oh ms work is definitely slowing down. On Sunday or Monday i should be able to put together the real "report". Then i may be able to go to working on it about once a week for about an hour, and a little bit of time here and there responding to pms.
Now i'm going to shower off the dog and pollen and stretch. It will be very interesting to see what type of mood i'm in tomorrow.

i think the third and last entry for today
After dinner, which was dutifully on time, i still felt just blah, except for when S hugged me. i thought that if i took blue on a walk maybe i would feel better. Blue was ecstatic. i didn't want to go our usual route, i felt bored with it. So we went the other path and across the stream into the new subdivision of our development.

Up a big clay hill connecting the paths. It seemed odd to see the bulldozer treads and a few feet away on the bank to see foam flowers, ferns, etc all seeming to be at peace. At the top of the hill were large piles of rubble brought in as fill and beyond them a vista of flattened land, neatly divided by a few roads and alleys, stakes marking the lot numbers. Curb and guttering in, young trees standing at ready, a bit of sidewalk here and there. Everywhere planted neatly with grass to prevent further erosion. I found it immensely disheartening.

The new phase is on a higher hill than where our section is and i enjoyed the view looking over towards the river and seeing tree tops of another little ridge a ways off. i was wondering how far they had gotten towards making a pathway down to the river. Eventually there will be one and a park at the bank. i was thinking about the reforming of the earth at human hands and the reforming of me in some mysterious way and still feeling rather gloomy about both processes. but not really sure why i should feel so gloomy about the process involving me. A few weeks ago i was feeling relaxed and easy with it.

We went into an area that was seeded in the same boring grass, but had not been flattened out very much and walked down the slope. Well i walked, Blue bounded about and looped back to make sure i was ok, over and over. At the edges of the field i could see where the stubble had been burned after the big trees were cut and the rest bushwacked. Poking out here and there were the charcoal and blackened remains of tree limbs and roots. Feeling more sad and slightly disgusted, i finally just climbed over the carefully erected barrier that divided forest from development. As i did, i remembered a fantasy i had during adolescence. Over and over i imagined painting a picture of a forest on one of the walls of my room, and that the forest would become real and then i would vanish into the forest. i wanted to write a story about it, but i kept feeling guilty that maybe the heroine's friends and family would miss her and be sad. So i could never bring myself to do more than write one or two paragraphs.

i had the same strong desire at that moment to walk into the woods and fade away. i knew that i wouldn't, it was out of the question, but i surely wanted to. As Blue and i tromped around a bit i began to feel better. Not far from where we entered there was a drop of about 10 feet to a little stream, really just a rivulet. Large oaks clung to the sides of its walls in seemingly impossible fashions. Caves had been etched under the banks in some places. It was interesting to see in the drizzle of rain, what places were wet and which one's dry. A cray fish hole rose a foot above the stream bed like a silly chimney. Blue padded back and forth in the stream and finally plopped down in the mud with a large sigh. i laughed.

Then i climbed out of the little tiny chasm and looked about. i listened to the birds, and occasional airplane. Everywhere i looked was something unique, singular. Everywhere i looked were plants and things whose names i did not know. Everywhere there was something fantastic and in some way unknowable. i began to feel a calm and a peace. The sun was getting lower, but i stayed until i felt i could bring the feeling back with me.

Going back i began to think about my feeling upset over the last several days. i thought about my relative comfort with chaos in my household, at least compared to many other people. What is it in me, that rebels so strongly against order; that is so afraid of order?? As i walked along i tried to keep my calmness with me and the setting sun seemed to reward me with a few rainbows. A covenant i thought, that chaos will always exist, if one looks for it.

Later as i was driving to get last minute things for P's camping trip (which i could not do this week-end), i thought : i am getting up at the same time almost everyday. i am doing almost exactly the same thing for the first 45 minutes after i get up each day. More and more i am going to sleep about the same time each day. And now i am starting to fix and eat dinner at the same time each day. Where will it end!!?? (Evil laughter in the background).

Intellectually i know this is nonsense, (and see my fears as totally absurd) but somehow emotionally i am beyond afraid. In my mind i see the horrible world ruled by It, in Madeline L'Engle's "A Wrinkle in Time". Everyone is bouncing their ball carefully in the same rhythm, everyone is doing the same things at the same time. There is no room for the unique, the wild.

When i was more at ease with this i was trying to write a poem about my feelings, but it wouldn't jell. First i wanted to write a sing-songy thing about all the possible types of people i might become or not become, and feeling happily mutable. Then i had a memory about going to a Renaisance Festival when i was 11 or 12 (ie still a virgin, before my more wild days). i had my fotune told by an Egyptian Sand Reader. My mother was intrigued and so was i since we'd never heard of that type of fortune telling. He said that i had an unusual reading because i was half ice and half fire. That meant that i had the ability to analyze and see clearly (ice) and also the ability to dissolve and destroy (fire). i spoke up "And rebuild?" He said no, that wasn't my gift. But he also said that it meant that i would feel as if i was at war with myself and that keeping balance would be difficult. Since the fire and ice would tend to destroy each other.

i tried to write a poem about that and something about being grateful for guidance and that didn't really go anywhere either. i don't really either believe or disbelieve fortune telling per se. i mostly see it as a creative way to re-think situations. And for a while this experience spoke to me of my desire to understand and organize, have order, and my seemingly equally strong, or stronger(?) desire for chaos and disorder and spontaneity. The same day as my Egyptian fortune telling, i bought a scented oil called "Life is a Divine Ritual", which i wore for a good while.

i hope i can get through this fear of sameness. Surely, loving uniqueness can't be destroyed by tolerating a bit of order. That's what my head says anyway. The rest of me stays on the verge of tears.

second entry for today
Well i've been turning this over in my mind all day, and decided to write about it here, even though i'm not sure if that is the best place to do it. i considered e-mailing t, but then worried that i'd be putting her in the middle of something that she didn't need to be in. Then i considered e-mailing Someone else, but wasn't sure if it was that urgent really. So here i am. i think this is what i am anxious about, although who knows. There are always things to worry about.

a woman on the forum pm'd me and asked if i was under direct instruction, mostly to know if i wanted to sign as a participant or not. Well i know that i am, but it's a bit different for me (since i'm also being monitored), i mean i guess it's different for everyone. Anyway, i pm'd her back and said as much. The she pm'd back and said that she really shouldn't have asked me. Then i figured i really shouldn't have answered her. i have been concerned about it since and haven't known exactly what to do about it. So now i've done something about it.

In terms of my signature, i really don't care that much one way or another. If it might be helpful to others, fine, add the "p" to my signature. Otherwise, well i am what i am no matter how i sign.

i still feel a bit glum and still not sure if it's just fatigue or something else.

Oh i did have a thought about CM today. Several posts in the forum mentioned something about "knowing what you want" and then the right man turning up. i was thinking about all of CM's childhood fantasies. She wanted to be involved with a lot of men at once right from the start. And she was very clear about that in her mind and everything. And that is certainly exactly what she got. With that in mind i may be able to summon the mental energy to finish the book.

For myself it is rare that i know what i want aside from super things like world peace, etc. i generally just want to please people. And i need a lot of mental stimulation, to be learning something.

Well i'm going to start getting P's stuff ready for the overnight trip he's going to have from early tomorrow am to Friday afternoon. He is looking forward to it, but dreading taking showers and dreading being trapped with a bunch of "immature" boys for 2 days. i will miss him.

i feel sulky, possibly because of my period starting and possibly due to still being a bit tired. My neck is better except when i bend it to the right, still aches then.

When S and i made love last night, it felt like a prayer, i kept thinking "Help me please Him always". It was more difficult for me to hold off cumming, almost irritatingly so. After as i felt his cock slip out of my cunt, i said, " i'm greedy i want you in me all the time." He said, "I'm working up to that." I burst out laughing as i had a vision of him telling someone, "Can't mow the lawn, busy being in my wife."

Then i dreamt several times about masterbating, and not cumming. In the dream which was very convoluted (i was back in medical school or residency at times), i felt at times as if i was "ghost-busting". "Ghost-busting" is what the crack addicts used to call people who were craving crack because they would be searching the floor or carpet desperately to find the last possible scrap of crack to put in their pipe. i also must be worried about something, because i had my usual anxiety dream. Being at a new school, can't find where my classes are, miss classes entirely, etc.

Well, more later, i felt the need to write because of the strange mood i'm in, but have to get to work now.

i felt much better today. My neck still hurts, but much less, in fact it's only this evening since i started to get tired that it's been hurting.

My appetite is back big time. Also arousal : ).
i have a lot to say , i think, and am not quite sure where to start.

#1. Forgot to weigh myself this am, and then kept forgetting as the day went on. i'll do this tomorrow before i take my shower.

#2. i got carried away with the ms stuff, and did spend too much time with it this morning. i was excited because i got all the way through the list. So i let myself finish up, then start making my monthly report, etc. At any rate it should start taking up a lot less time, and by the beginning of May, i may not even need to attend to it daily.
i had started making sure that i didn't go on the forum until i had dishes and laundry done at least. And i should be able to go back to that scheme tomorrow.

i had an odd dream last night. i dreamt i was CM, and since my initials sometimes are CM, that gives a bit of credibility to my unconscious mind.
Anyway, in the dream she was French at first, but younger than in the book, that is still in school. i was looking at pictures of her in a book, as a school-girl, looking school-girlish. Eventually it changed so that i was her, in a way, so therefore not so French, and i was worried that the authorities (school?) was going to find out what i had been up to (sex, i guess?). Then there appeared a large friendly black woman with her hair in braids and beads, who reminded me of a wonderful nurse who worked in the Psych ER in the Bronx. And she was visiting me where i lived, which was a run down house on the second floor. She was talking with me, in a sort of friendly, yet annoying way, a sort of social worker way. And i was denying that i had any problems in my life. She finally shakes her head at me and pulls out a little girl's dress, maybe a 6 or 7 year olds girl might wear and says, "Look at these stains" And i say, "Well clearly they are just from paint or markers." And she says, "Well, what about the red, it's blood. You know CM was raped." i start to deny it, saying," no i'm sure she didn't have a dress like that. In fact i know she didn't because i remember very clearly having a dress exactly like that one when i was little." Then she smiled some more and shook her head a bit. "That's right, because this was your dress and you were raped and this is blood, your blood."

i was very upset in the dream and blurted out that my brother had abused me. At that point my mother and my brother appeared in the dream. My mother (and in my dreams it is always as if she had never died), was furious with me, "How could you tell and use his whole name!! Don't you know what you've done to him!" she went off with my brother to console him, downstairs. Although he didn't really look like he needed consoling, he looked more confused than anything. He kept trying to catch my eye, but our mother was between us, and i wasn't sure that i wanted to talk with him anyway. i think i left the house and then the dream was over or blurred into something else.

i felt surprised that in my dream, the incidents were presented as more dramatic and sort of worse than my memories of what happened in reality. When i was 8 or 9, he was not able to penetrate, so there was not blood. However there was a betrayal, and i guess that is the worst part. i had a dream when i was very young about my brother and i. We were in a car together, i'm not sure where we were going. but i felt very safe. My brother (who in real life couldn't have been more than 7 or 8) was driving the car. i was so short i couldn't see anything but the sky and trees out the windows. So my brother was driving the car and i felt complete trust that he could do it and would get us where we were going safely.

i don't remember which therapist i told this to first, probably therapist #1. When i did i could hardly talk for crying.i said, "i felt safe, because he was always there". So i guess there is still a part of me that wishes i could trust him, or someone, like i used to trust my brother. And the betrayal by him, and by my mother when i told her years later, was that much worse because my trust had been so complete.

In some sense i guess i should be flattered that my mother thought i was so tough that she was more worried about my brother then she was about me. Or maybe she just thought that all the years of therapy must have paid off. But it always pained me that whenever this came up she always said, "Oh i wish you would talk to your brother about this. i'm sure it would help him." At which point i usually felt nauseous and either tried to leave the room or change the subject. And she would always remind me that he was also technically a child when it happened (he would have been 12 or 13 the first times and the second, he was 18 or 19 and had no excuse). At his last visit it seemed that maybe he wanted to talk about it, or something like it. He kept referring to sex at odd moments (like when the kids were in the car, sometimes folks without kids can be pretty dense) and even got upset when we were talking about the supposed moral decline. He said that in Victorian times young men and boys were raping school-girls on their way to school. No kidding, bro? Tell me about it.

To my mind he has odd relationships with women. But what do i know about these things.
Maybe i'll write more later, when something else comes up.

i had a couple of times yesterday when i wasn't sure i handled things the best way with S. He ran yesterday, which i was glad about. But after he was coughing and coughing and coughing. After about 20 minutes of this i went to check on him. i lay next to him on the bed. Offered him tissue, "I'm sick of tissue" i was going to offer him water, but he had a glass of water at hand. i suggested that maybe he had over done it a bit. At first he snapped at me (most unusual). Gave me a long hoarse speech about other reasons for coughing. A few minutes later he apologized for being negative and said that it was hard for him to believe he had gotten winded so quickly. i apologized later on, this morning, and he said, "For what?" i felt badly about pointing out to him something about himself he doubtless already knows. He pushes himself so hard when he trains at all, sometimes he injures himself and then can't do anything. He gets so competitive and it is hard for him to remember that at 50 something one just can't do what one did at 20 something. Anyway he rode the stationary bike today, no coughing.

Well there were a couple of other things where i felt perhaps i was being a bit pushy, but i'm not sure now. Maybe i wasn't . Too tired to sort it out now. i'm sure i will get a lot of other opportunities!