More Transparency
So, what am i hiding?

Some of my self-doubt yesterday is focused on my worry and nagging guilt when i get behind on calling patients back, when we end up playing phone tag, when i don't know what to do and it is unclear what to do.

My current patient that i'm worried about is a young black girl, about 15, who seems to have schizophrenia, but with significant mood swings and episodic dissociative or conversion reactions (no one is quite sure). She also has had some severe edema, which the docs at the ER told her was a side effect from one of her medicines. But i think they just told her that because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. She' s been hospitalized at least three times this year. She goes from being a straight A student for 2 or 3 months, to being completely paranoid, wandering the streets aimlessly for hours, her mother anxiously trailing her in her car. i'm concerned she might have lupus. There may be another difficult to diagnose condition going on, but i haven't gotten that far yet. And it could be one of her medicines causing the swelling, except she's been on them for months without this much trouble, so it just doesn't make sense. i spoke to her today, so she's still alive, uncomfortable, but quite rational and will have a few blood tests on Monday.

When i get home from work, i usually plan to make some phone calls or do some other work related chore that i haven't gotten to at the office. Then something distracts me and by the time i remember, it is not really the proper hour to call people, unless it is a life threatening emergency, in which case i would have been paged. The same goes for my "day off" Monday. So when i have routine "crises" going on i feel a nagging guilt. And then when i have something exceptional going on at work i feel uneasy and worried. If i haven't done what i think i should have clinically or humanly, i feel guilty when i have a lapse.

Sometimes i have over compensated and will call people up to follow their progress only to have them say, "What, it's you again!!" Then of course i back off. So sometimes my judgement here is totally out of wack at least as far as the patient's family is concerned. Sometimes i'm right to be so concerned and sometimes i'm not.

Why i tend to avoid this stuff. Sometimes it's someone i don't want to deal with. Sometimes it's someone i know has to talk for half an hour to say something which could be said in 5 minutes. Sometimes i don't mind at all. Like today i should have called a mother whose daughter i recommended be started on Zoloft for anxiety (she has Asperger's). She has had some response to Buspar, which is gentler, but they are going on a big trip to visit distant relatives and so . . . they wanted to try something stronger. i guess my avoidance is that when i saw them face to face i asked about 3 times if there were any other questions, i had explained about potential side effects every way i could think of. And i'm just tired of dealing with the furor about anti-depressants at this point. The only viable alternative is an anti-psychotic and really, that's not what i would want for my child as a second choice med. However, it is really my duty to have called her already. And to patiently explain my point of view and let them make their decision. On the other hand nothing exceptional will happen because i wait until Monday to be a patient explainer. She can continue on the Buspar for a few more days, no big deal.

So those are a couple of examples of the sort of thing i was feeling i should have done yesterday afternoon/evening instead of walking Blue, working on bills and planning P's summer activities.

Otherwise, when i realized that i should be more open about what is troubling me. i was surprised that i had forgotten. This is a big part of the whole point, give things over. Stop trying to do everything and be everything all the time. It is a way of trying to keep control, very unpleasant really. And also sort of insulting for others. i mean if i ask for assistance, surely people can tell me that they are either willing to help or not. All on their own, without me deciding for them that i am a burden. Imagine that!!

i am very slowly working my way through CM. The cover promises that it will hold me tighter than a pair of handcuffs. i think my handcuffs are too loose. i keep slipping away. i am getting more out of it now that i'm in the section about details. When i finish it i will write more about my impressions of it.

i managed to get the stairs and hall cleared!! i used my new 2nd strategy. i told the boys that i was going to take anything they didn't clear out of the porch, the stair and the hallway to Good will. First i would give them a half-hour warning and be available to help them if needed. So J helped me some, and those things he helped sort will go to GUTS. The other stuff all went to Goodwill. And is thankfully GONE. i did relent on one of J's beanie babies and some little lego pieces, but everything else got taken away or tossed. With this approach i think i can do the rest of the house more quickly. Both for my clutter and for the kids. P is finally to the point where he is not attached like a leach to everything he's ever owned. J has never been all that attached to things. So as long as S and i can restrain our tendencies to accumulate, we should be ok.

i can take tomorrow off. i'm not sure i'll want to, but thanks anyway. It's a nice gift.

i am still pretty moody, but at least not consistently beating myself up needlessly, or even needfully. (As if i would know , which i don't)

This morning when S and i had sex, i couldn't hold off cumming when he was fucking me. Then when he came, i felt like i was cumming, but it was mostly emotional. i felt so relieved that i had pleased him that it was like i was crying. No tears but the same shaking and sobbing type of breath. i felt so grateful, and even more so when i made a slight move to get off of him and he held me there close. When he cums it is so exciting to me. He doesn't cum when i give him a bj, but it does get both of us very ready.

Anyway i wanted to get this down as that emotional part at the end of sex is happening more often and more intensely.

Overall i've had a better day today. i had my focus back, for the most part. The meditative masturbation was very helpful. i told S i was taking a bath so that i would have some privacy. Not ideal, since he was in bed on the other side of the door and i didn't feel i could make noise, but still it was very helpful. i had wanted to pull my focus out of myself and somehow couldn't until that.

So i masturbated more than usual today and i will continue that for a while with these "demons" pestering me. i was ok until i started on my walk and went down the path. i found myself assailed with doubts about whether i had made the right choices in terms of what things i had gotten done. The litany of things i perhaps should have done instead, that it was now too late to do today. Whether i would have the presence of mind to remember to do them tomorrow. And on and on. i could say that at times i regret being a doctor because it means that some of these decisions are more important than some other areas of my life. But in terms of my internal life, i know it wouldn't make a difference because this kind of insecurity has been with me at least since my pre -teens.

i found myself wondering if the discomfort i have felt the past few days is really any more intense than what i've felt in the past, or if it is really the same. Maybe it feels worse because i've had a break from it.

At any rate i also came to the conclusion that i'm much happier when thinking about how to please other people than thinking about how to please myself. i'm confused about this. i'm "supposed" to find out what i really want, but so far i'm finding that i seem to want less and less. Except for needing reassurance, that seems to be more and more.

It is a bit frightening to me to feel that i don't really want anything in particular except to be pleasing and obedient. i feel as if i'm dissolving or something. It also reminds me of how i felt when i was very depressed (about 12 and 13, although it really lasted til i was 17). Many times people would ask me what i wanted either in the next ten minutes or the next ten years and i really had no inkling at all. Which they seemed to find very odd.
i don't even seem to want to read, which is something i usually can't stop myself from doing.

Well now i'm scaring myself more which is to no purpose.

S has decided to see if he can give pipsqueak away. i feel good that i've managed to let him make the decision on this one. Pretty much by saying that i was ok with it either way.

i wonder if some of my upset during the walk was triggered in a sense by his reaction when i told him "i'd like to take Blue on a walk while there's still some light, if that's ok with you." And he said, "Do whatever you like." Which is the normal thing for him to say, so why am i upset by it? This is my deal, not necessarily his.

He is happier, that's for sure. He was saying how much so tonight and when we went out for dinner on Wed. He said i seemed a lot more focused. He also said he felt he needed to do more around the house, because he could see how much i'm trying to do and is worried i'll get frustrated and explode. i said, " You have plenty to do with your business!" He agreed. And i agree with me too. If his business goes well i might even be able to cut back on my work hours again.

i wish that cooking didn't take up so much time. But it does. Tonight i was really the only one who ate anything. But if i don't cook for me, then there is no food for me. So that's that. Maybe i'll get more efficient after a while.

When we were out to dinner i was telling him about my older journal entries and how i was constantly judging myself and not able to find a focus. He said he feels the same way himself.
So we talked a bit about that some more, ie judging oneself, and how that gets in the way. And then the steak had that horrible "prairie dust" stuff on it that makes my mouth burn, but fortunately i only have one sore in my mouth from it. We sent the steak back and got another one without all the junk on it. That sort of derailed our conversation. i was glad i had my epi-pen with me, although i've never needed to use it.

i've been thinking a lot about jealousy too, but that just ties in with insecurity, etc. And i'm tired.

i am still in a rotten mood.

That said i am focusing more on my arousal and on being pleasing, which brings me some comfort. Trying not to dwell on my emotions and thoughts so much. Just to stay present.

Update on ED: His folks made an appointment to see me today. So, as i told my self, all that distress for nothing. He is fine. His father caame in with him and spent most of the time talking about whether or not the problems of ED were more genetic, environmental, social or perhaps related to a lack of fresh air, sunshine, cashews and Zinc. ED meanwhile was smirking at me, hiding his face behind his long hair so his father couldn't see his efforts to keep from laughing. iwas in the awkward situation of wanting to make funny faces back at ED, while behaving respectfully to his father. I think I managed to everyone's satisfaction. And as always I told him that it was good to see him, especially not in a hsopital bed. And he gave his signature good-bye, which is "It's always good to see you. " Very sweet.

I started out the day very mopey. More mopey because our server was down. (What happened to my "i"?) i decided to look over my early early journal from December, before i found the site et al. i thought it might be helpful for monitoring. And it was, big time. When i first started reading in the forum i couldn't read a lot at one sitting. My head would feel dizzy inside. Looking back at what i wrote in December was the same in reverse. i could barely stand to actually read what i had written. Mostly i was running around wondering what to do next and judging myself constantly. Very painful.

So then it was that i realized part of my upset of yesterday and today. Judging myself again. The shoes, concern about my new role(s), worry about finances to some extent.

And i seem to have moved from terror about becoming the same as everyone else and not being unique, to ambivalence. Or perhaps ping-ponging between wanting to be "normal" and wanting to be completely unique. In some ways absurd because in some sense we are all completely normal and without a doubt we are each extremely unique.

i was wondering about the shoe issue and why it strikes such a chord in me. It's partly not being able to do what i want to do. But i think perhaps it's wanting to feel like i'm "just one of the girls". Why did i never feel that way? i always had friends, but i was never in the most popular group. i tend to drift between groups, never completely belonging to one or another. In some ways i like that, but at times i just want to feel like i belong period.

i found myself feeling resentful that i seem to thrust myself into positions which are demanding of me. Yet i get bored so easily without a challenge. i wanted to ask, "Can't i just go back to cowering from life for a while?" i realize that in some ways i wish and off and on have wished that i had less "potential" because striving to fulfill that potential can be so frightening. It can also be immensely satisfying. i don't even know what is so frightening about it. i used to feel that it was because i was afraid i couldn't meet my parents expectations, but i don't think that's the case now.

Some of it is that i don't really know what i want. i am afraid of finding out what i want, that my wants and desires will be too immense and all consuming. Afraid of disappointment if i can't have what i want.

And i'm not quite sure what this has to do with submission, except getting to know myself better. Somehow it seems connected with my lack of wanting to set goals and get the house more organized. Even if i don't care that much about it myself, it would please S greatly to have things more "squared away". i am going to need to become firmer with the sons to accomplish this, in one way or another.

When i realized that i was back to judging again, eventually my mood lifted and i let go. For much of the day i felt like i was clinging to that control like a raft in a deluge. i knew that my reaction to the posts on shoes was mostly within me. i'm glad there is/may be a disclaimer, but a lot of this is my issue. i'm sure that the fear/trust issue will arise again, as well as my judging. i'm sending my early journal off in the interests of transparency. Really some of the things i was doing made me want to laugh at myself, in a kind, "silly old bear" sort of way.

So here are the belated goals for the week:

Clear out toys from porch, hall way and stairs. If time weed and mulch front flower bed.

Gerbils. Organize first Day school stuff. Summer camps for P. Finish jobs for Summer camp at Meeting.

i don't really have anything in particular to write about.

ED: i've had no news, left messages on both parents cell phones and nothing, will try again tomorrow. i have a suspicion that they've decided to leave me and take treatment with the Good Dr he started seeing in the hospital. i may be wrong. If i am right, i actually don't feel badly about it. i mean who wants to possibly go through all that again?? Not that it wasn't or wouldn't be worth every second of worry, anxiety, etc. etc. Also i know he will be in really good hands with the Good Dr. Not that my hands aren't good, but let's face it, we all have our strong and weak points. And i may have given him all that i can at this time. The only thing i don't like is that i may not get to see ED again! Well that's the breaks. Any how it's all up in the air and just speculation for now.

i'm in a bit of a glum mood. Not sure what that's about. i want to think that i am tired and suffering from the pollen. In my happier moments today, i was having some rather pleasant thoughts.

Shaving: How is this going?? i've been doing this for about 3 months now! Results wise it is not "perfect", but it is better than it was. Shaving twice a day helps a lot.

It has changed how i feel about my cunt quite a bit. Of course i am more aware of everything, of every feeling, more than when it was padded with hair. Walking Blue i can feel my lips rubbing against the seam of my jeans and this makes me sigh, especially if i have the plug in. i like the feeling that the mons has when my dress rubs against it. The last time i really saw the outer lips was long long ago, when they were plump and pudgy. Now they are very soft, thinish, and pliable, fun to play with, just like the inner lips, but not so wet. They make funny shapes at times gaping open or stuck closed. my clit is not so affected by the shaving itself, more so by the arousal that is not always constantly there, but seems to be present much much more than not.

i can tolerate a level of arousal that is so much more intense than a few months ago. At times i am less aware and check myself only to find that when i check i am much closer to the edge than i thought. When i masturbate i find that i generally relax rather deeply and focus mostly just on what i am feeling rather than any fantasy. As i approach close to climaxing i breathe more deeply and concentrate even more on the sensations, trying to keep going without cumming as long as i think i can. Then i stop and sometimes do the whole process again, although it doesn't usually take all that long.

Things that arouse me:
Obvious:
Touching S. S touching me. When i kiss his neck, the looseness of the skin there reminds me of his cock. i love kissing his neck and do it when ever i can. The day after we make love and i can smell his scent seeping out from my cunt off and on all day. When he kisses me, especially if he holds me away from him, it drives me crazy with desire. The same if he kisses lightly at the corner of my mouth. Looking at his back, his butt. Touching his chest, brushing against his nipples.

i think i'll continue this later. The real thing is in bed right now. Nothing may happen, but i can't waste this opportunity to be near him.

Difference
i've been thinking a lot (as usual) about my fears of being "usual", or as i used to put it "normal". This always annoyed my friends immensely, since they were into being normal. However i was not. Even around nine or ten, when most kids are desperate to fit in, i wanted to be different. Or, as i have been pondering this odd desire, i felt i was different, so via sour grapes logic, i decided to take pride in being different. Sort of a reverse snobbism.

Why did i feel so different? i'm not exactly sure. my parents did not exactly value conformity, so that played a role. my mother worked as a scientist at a time when that was quite uncommon. my father wasn't all that interested in sports or anything athletic. Well maybe ballet or dance. And my parents were much older than everyone else's, my mother was 38 when i was born and my father was 49. that's not so unusual these days, but it was then.

At any rate it hardly matters why. What is more interesting to me is my fear. It is like i felt and sometimes still do fear that if i am not different enough, i will cease to exist. Or become invisible. i have often felt invisible in the past and powerless, paralysed. Especially when i would just cut off from my feelings.

Then today i read a post about the wonders of high heels, i should have just stopped as soon as i saw what the topic was about, given that this is a sore point for me. But Nooooo! i had to read on and even look at the link. When i started to fix dinner i felt a rush of upset sweep over me. i felt sorry for myself with my little shaped like duck's feet. i felt misunderstood, etc. etc. Then i thought , "This is just like those posts concerning 'withholding sex'. Stop it cathy, just stop" i reminded myself that i have a plan for the whole shoe thing. When i have enough money i am going to order shoes from Zappo's and try them on at home and return the ones that don't fit perfectly. And that's that. Remembering that i had a plan already helped me calm down.

Then i thought about appearing more feminine and how as a young woman i was often more concerned with wanting to look less feminine, either because of dykehood, or just to avoid men in general. Of course my mother was not really into getting dolled up. Wore lipstick and that was about it. Had no high heels. i saw a mother painting her little daughter's toe nails on my walk. That never happened to me. And my mother felt incompetent at that sort of thing. We tried to curl my hair once with rollers with disassterous results. We laughed a lot.

Another thing that is connected to all this is the membership secy work. This is the sort of job that i avoid and feel sure that i won't be able to be organized enough to do at all, much less adequately. i'm the worst for birthdays and the usual social niceties. So it's odd to have a feeling of being a hostess of a sort. Odd to watch the mixed responses i get and what strategies seem to help women decide they can post. Actually i've only tried two strategies so far. The most successful to date is telling them they don't have to post and i'll just nag them about it again later. Well i say it in a much more friendly manner.
i may have to be a bit more firm in the next go round, but i haven't quite figured that part out yet.

i missed stretching once or twice in the last week, partly due to illness. i think i need to make sure to do it early in the day. If i leave it til night then i seem to make excuses, even though it doesn't take much time.

Tomorrow i will make up my goal list again. At least i got a few things done. And feeling like Scarlett O'Hara, i will leave saying "Tomorrow is another day!!" Too bad i don't have the accent to pull it off.

Anger and allergies
Not feeling too well today, miserable with pollen.

This morning i got up earlier than usual because of FDS committee. S and i had talked about how to deal with it last night. S wanted us to all go in my car because of the expense of gas, etc. So i got up, got ready. He was still in the shower and i really wanted to leave in about 15 minutes, so i asked him if he still wanted to get the kids up and go. He said yes, but in a kind of short way. (ie If you don't get the kids up, i don't know that i'll be able to get them up in time and i think i just won't bother going). And i found that i was angry. i said ok and went to get the kids ready. During which time i also took care of the dogs, cleaned up after pipsqueak, made sure they had food, water, clean straw in the pen outside, etc. Then got J up and dressed. Got P up and ready. i was angry, all the while doing this, and tried to both just watch my upset and focus on being aroused. i thought, i have a focus for meditating in meeting today!! i felt angry because on one hand S hates for anyone to be late for anything, yet i get three people (and two dogs) ready to go in the time that it takes him to get himself ready to go.

Of course there are mitigating factors such as rheumatoid arthritis and his higher standard of grooming (even now) than mine. And i am so used to doing most of what i do in the mornings that i don't really even have to think about it.

Anyway when i got back upstairs he was dressed (but not shaved, which was a concession on his part), and he said, "Just go ahead and leave". i had explained about it taking me longer because of the dogs. i said, "Well all we have to do now is dump the kids in the car and go. We might as well all go together." So we went more or less grumpily out to the car. i wasn't as upset as i had been. Then as we sat down, he said, "We had discussed this last night." And said something else apologetic. Then the anger was gone completely and i was greatly relieved. And my meeting hadn't started when we arrived just a few minutes late.

After Meeting i developed a terrific headache. i was reading CM at home when i lay down waiting for the worst to be over. It was ironic that it was part of the book in which she discusses migraines and the odd things that pain does to one's state of consciousness. After a time i slept some, S was with me which was nice. The rest of the afternoon i was in a fog, still am a little bit. My headache is not completely gone, but my sinuses are clearing and i am no longer shakey and nauseous. i think my mistake was not wearing my mask a bit yesterday and when i took the dogs out this morning, i tried to hold my breath, but must not have the whole time.

i'm so glad that it's going away. Before i knew i was allergic to soybeans i would spend weeks with a terrible chronic headache. My last year of college i had to take incompletes because i spent so much time lying around feeling miserable. That's when i was a vegetarian still and i ate a lot of soy. In between naps i would read a lot, it helps distract from the pain. But i felt terribly guilty about it. i tended to make everything into a psychological problem and wanted to believe that i could make myself well through sheer force of will. i was diagnosed with the inhalant allergies that year. Hearing the results, one of my professors said, "She's allergic to life!!" At any rate the medications helped enough that i was able to make up my work and finish without problems.

Then in medical school i continued to be ill a lot but just pushed through it. Same in residency, although it wasn't quite as bad then. Probably because i was indoors so much!! And by then i had more acceptance of having allergies. i think too that during residency i was living alone and ended up having rather odd eating patterns, which amounted to a rotation diet of sorts. Especially in the evenings i might just pick up some vegetable in the stores and have that for dinner with a slice of bread. i had given up on being vegetarian during medical school, usually i didn't eat meat, but i didn't worry about it if i did. i was quite thin and didn't want to get any thinner.

When S and i started dating he would call me in the evening to make sure i'd eaten something, because i would get caught up in doing something and forget to eat. It seems amusing now, looking back that he was helping me that way back then. After i was diagnosed with the food allergies, S stopped wanting to cook. He had done a lot of the cooking. i think he was quite dismayed to learn that he had been "poisoning" me by feeding me tofu marinated in soy sauce in the lunches i brought from home!

That was sort of what happened last night at the spaghetti dinner, i asked what was in the sauce before eating any of it. The woman who had made the sauce showed me the recipe and then said she had added soy protein too. (Oh Boy!!) So i was very thankful to have asked. Although the last time i put the texturized vegetable protein in my mouth, i gagged with just a crumb of it. Still i'd rather not take that chance. i almost ate the salad which would have been ok except that i'd just had lettuce the night before. And i had already messed up Saturday by forgetting and eating some lettuce while i made the salad for S!

So i put the salad back a bit sadly and was thankful for the mashed potatoes i'd brought with me. i noticed last night that the folks at friends meeting didn't make me feel as if they were sorry for me in their questions about my diet restrictions, just politely interested, glad that i seemed to have a handle on things. One woman did say "The things we take for granted!" i watched myself in this other venue of my life and felt that i struggle still with dealing with it gracefully. i tend to have a bit of bluster about it still. Still some feeling sorry for myself and making maybe a bigger deal of it than it needs to be. i don't know, eating is such an important social aspect of life that i can't judge (and of course it's not my place to judge anyway). There have been a few times lately when i've really craved coffee, just wanted to dive into a vat of it and guzzle away. Oh well.

i got dinner done tonight, but not in a very timely fashion. : (.

Well i had some things in mind to write about, but now they've flown.

This morning i was very aroused and actually i had been very aroused the night before, but S was very very tired. So this morning i woke up, went to the bathroom and got back in bed. He had just gotten up to get a drink. He was lying on his side with his back away from me and i cuddled up behind him and after a while put my hand over his waist and on his cock. And did nothing in case he really wasn't interested. He didn't do anything, so i went ahead playing a bit and when he turned on his back, i had my opportunity to give him a bj, which i really really enjoyed!! At the start i was kneeling to his side and the heel of my foot would brush against my cunt from time to time, but then as things heated up i just straddled his legs and i was very wet with nothing else going on except his cock in my mouth. It's sort of amazing to me how much pleasure i get from this. After a good while he asked me to move up. i was too excited to stop from cumming before he started cumming. When he did he thrust very hard and lifted me off the bed. We were finished, i thought, then i felt his cock begin to soften a bit and i came again. i wanted to lay there with him inside me longer, but he wanted to sleep some more before his meeting. So i lay on my side and then he wrapped his arm around me. There's almost nothing better than that, to me.

i almost put off doing my shower, shave, routine. Then i thought, just do it, you're going to do it later anyway. When i got to the hairstyle bit, i found i was feeling resentful. So i curled my hair up and out instead of under. The effect was a bit like in my picture. That did make it easier. And then i wore my red sundress, which is very light, sleeveless and fairly short. i thought S might enjoy it. He did seem to. When i went out, i changed because i wasn't sure he'd want me out in it (and he wasn't home to ask). i also tried out a garter belt that i bought last night when i went out with P. Sometimes the thigh highs are frustrating. But i don't like this particular garter belt either. i like the feeling of the garter belt a lot, but unless i'm wearing a fairly long skirt this one is not so great, because i'm not really wearing it to advertise to everyone that i'm wearing stockings and a garter belt. i think being on the short side is part of the problem. So i will keep looking around.

Before i went to Meeting, i was not sure if i should cook for dinner or let S and the boys have left-overs. After pondering needlessly, i decided to ask S if he would like me to fix dinner before i left. At first he said no,"You do so much already. I'm just sitting around. You'll be late for the dinner." i said, "They just start serving at 6, it's ok to get there later. " He paused for a moment and then said, "In that case, yes". So i said ok and hugged him. He complained more about feeling a bit overwhelmed. And i said, well you have just taken on a lot. (The new apartment complex, in the red so far). So i cooked and felt ok in the sense of some satisfaction. i don't seem to have turned into a robot yet. (Or people are being very polite about the transformation).

i don't know how S can stand taking risks, but he actually seems to need it. He has always been involved in some type of high risk activity. Or has wanted to be involved in one. i think the real estate investing is much less risky than some things he's done. And in the long run i do think it will work out well. i'm just glad that he's in the thick of it day to day. i'm not sure that i could manage the way he does. Well i could probably manage, but i think i would hate every minute of it. And i keep becoming more impressed as he learns more and more about what he's doing. Well he's home now, and i'm going to chat and then take Blue (the real dog) on a walk.

Several things: But i'm going to make you wait for the anti-climax!!

First off, thank you t for being such a great role model and of course C too. It's making this new role much easier. It is quite odd how it is like my usual work and yet not at all like it. Very interesting how different things are a big deal or a non-issue for each of us. i mean everyone knows that, but it doesn't slap us in the face everyday either. It reminds me how i did some communication exercises with P when he and i seemed to be in constant verbal battles (he was 4, but what a 4 year old!) One of the exercises had us each with a piece of paper showing different activities or things (eg ice cream, rain, etc) and we each separately circled things blue that made us feel happy, red for sad, yellow for scared. P circled a boy swimming with yellow. At first i assumed he had made a mistake, but no he had had a bad experience at the pool which i didn't know about. So that taught me that even with all my "training" i was still wanting to walk around thinking that everyone feels like i do. And unfortunately, it's still true!! LOL (or should i be crying) At least some of the time i'm aware of that assumption.

Last night when i was walking i found myself thinking a lot about one of my supervisors in residency training. i had a lot of good supervisors and he was one of them. i thought of him as an iron needle in a velvet glove, because he was very soft spoken and gentle in his manner, but when you understood what he was getting at it felt like being stabbed! i was so hurt once that i started crying and blubbered through the rest of my process notes. But the next session he spent a long time telling me that analysis and psychotherapy were the hardest things he had ever learned. Very reassuring. Another memory is once after i had my hair cut in a bob, he said, "You cut your hair, it''s not unbecoming."
i took it as a compliment. i guess there was no way of interpreting that as flirtation though!!

Then i remembered two supervisors who had steered me wrong. One of them, i think was just a bit careless, and i'm not really sure what the right approach would have been, or if there was a right approach.

The other one was just a couple years ahead of me since being out of residency. He gave me a therapy patient who he felt was ready for insight oriented psychotherapy. i wasn't so sure, but plowed ahead dutifully. Well after he became psychotic and suicidal the second time; i decided that maybe i wasn't so ignorant after all. i put the brakes on big time, kept him in the present and then he slowly began to do quite well. i think my supervisor was right, that eventually he could do insight oriented therapy, but timing is everything.

i realized something else after t gave me that helpful feedback about doing something different to not feel so "usual" and thus tolerating routine (hopefully) more easily. What i realized is that there is a whole other level of trust, that i have yet to realize with S. That is the level of trusting him to listen to me, to care about what i feel, to be able to discern what i need and make sure that i have what i need (or have the opportunity to get what i need).

Tonight S peeked in on me while i was on the forum and said, what should I be doing? What should I be reading?

i smiled at him and first said "Nothing. You're perfect the way you are." Then he laughed and asked again. So i said, "You should do whatever you want. " He still looked perplexed and disatisfied, so i finally said, "You can look at the website, if you want." ( the public parts obviously) So i hope that's ok. i had sort of assumed that maybe he had looked at the website already, but apparently He's been extra careful to let me keep all this private and not to pry. Which given his curious nature has taken a good deal of restraint on his part.

Ok, finally the e-mail to the man from my past. Well my brother e-mailed me yesterday, and there is a re-union of all the LRYers at the retreat center we used to gather at this October!! And most likely all the central people in my old crowd will be there. This friend is the guy who borrowed me from DJ one night and two or more years later took me out dancing and told me to "Go East, young woman!"
So i sent him a little note and he wrote back and gave me a summary of the last 25 years. He sent a picture and though grayer he is definitely the same guy, absolutely. My brother is thinking of going. i might go but only if S goes, it would just be too wierd otherwise, especially because it seems almost definite that DJ would be there. On the other hand, one of my favorite girl-friends is helping to organize it, and the Magician is going to be there too. So tomorrow i plan to send him my little summary of the last 25 years. Haven't discussed it with S today, he's very tired. Probably should be able to tomorrow after he gets back from his men's group/breakfast.

How do i feel about those days now? i feel a much deeper understanding of what i was looking for falling into bed so easily. i understand why i kept doing it even though i wasn't getting much direct physical enjoyment, other than being held. (Although at the time that felt just about as necessary as air). And i also understand much more clearly why i held so much back and didn't give much of my feelings in general. And also why everyone was confused about my motivations. Really i wanted to give pleasure and found that very gratifying, even when i wasn't really into it for myself, or maybe more so when i wasn't into it. But i didn't trust anyone to really care for me or about my feelings. Especially not men, and too these were very young men, not terribly protective. At any rate, i wasn't in a place where i could give that depth of trust. And i think that was a lot of my depression, frustration and sadness at the time. Besides the problems with my relationships with my mother, brother and father. There's still some feelings about that time, well regrets, sadness. i was in so much pain. And of course there was no real support for being submissive, and still also not a lot of support for being independent either. The bank didn't want to give my mother her own credit card!! (1971) My mother had to threaten to call the Equal Opportunity Commission to get one. Well i'm about to turn into a pumpkin. Stretching some and to bed.