CM
i am not sure what i want to write about today.
But i think i will write about CM, although i haven't finished the last twenty or so pages. Well it was only ten, so i just finished reading it.

The process of reading the book was interesting to me, watching my own reactions to what she describes.

i didn't care too much for the first part, numbers. It brought back bad feelings for me. Although the whole idea of a caravan of men following a lead car for miles and miles to an unknown meeting place to fuck a particular girl has to appeal to the narcissist in me. And it makes me laugh. Surely most women have thought about sex in that context, that "i am so attractive and desirable that thousands of men want me".

i did relate to her feelings about , " I grew into a rather passive woman, having no goal other than those other people set for me." This is the veritable story of my life. Except for medical school i guess, since no one in particular was pleased with my decision. No one was particularly discouraging either. i felt it was my best chance to help people in general, given my limitations and abilities as i understood them at that time. And although i hated most of the medical school experience, it was partly easy because everything was set out as to what to do. It was nearly impossible to please anyone, but at least i never really had time to worry about what to do with myself.

As i said before when she started talking about her fantasies i realized that the situations she was in were indeed what she wanted. She certainly enjoyed giving pleasure.

i felt a certain amount of jealousy for her situation vis a vis mine. In my "wild days", i was never anyone's particular girl friend as such. In my hippie group possessiveness of any sort was strongly frowned upon. Of course it was generally the guys who frowned upon the girls jealousies. They were entitled to fuck whomever they could get. However things were egalitarian enough that should a girl have many lovers, they would be frowned upon also for making a fuss about it.
So my jealousy was that she had, especially early on, someone who was watching over her, making sure she was treated correctly, some type of protection.

Now i never had any particularly brutal experiences, but many times i was just a random fuck. i could see not minding this as much as i did, if i was doing it, at least in part, to please someone who actually cared about me. And no one ever particularly commented on whether i was especially "good", so i could only gauge that by requests for repeat experiences. That was variable. i think that in a way i would feel less guilt, and i have to admit there is some bad feeling still, if i had slept only with people who i knew gave a damn. Not that they had to be in love with me, but that they had some interest in knowing me as a person and some degree of respect for me. The bad feeling seems connected to not caring much about myself and having that reflected back to me in my experiences. i don't feel as awkward about what i actually did. i can understand much more why i wanted to have sex as much as i did, even when the bulk of the time i didn't enjoy it.

Now this book was also helpful to me in terms of "i didn't enjoy it". Because obviously i enjoyed it in some way or i wouldn't have chosen to keep doing it. (another thing which always puzzled me)
i remember with one of my first lovers, the first who slept with me more than once. He was fondling me. i was lying down feeling terribly afraid. Now i realize my fear was that i would displease him or someone else. He was fucking me with his fingers and after a time he laughed with satisfaction and said, "you just melted". This puzzled me greatly, because my mind was completely occupied by my fear of doing something wrong. It was nowhere near my cunt. My cunt was off on a distant planet somewhere. i was generally more aware of pain than of pleasure in that region of my body. But i did love being held and kissed a great deal. And i always had a great sense of satisfaction when the man i was with came. i actually felt guilty at times about this very vicarious pleasure.

The scene when she looses her virginity in a tent by the sea reminded me of my cross country camping trip with the woman i lived with during med school. We were almost completely unself conscious until we were at a campsite and didn't make love, but spent several hours talking and laughing and laughing. The next morning a woman said,"You sure were having a good time last night!" And she and i realized simultaneously that everyone had been hearing our cries all across the USA. i'm not sure it made a lot of difference in our volume. We laughed about that too.

i also can relate to her feelings of guilt about having secret vs. open "infidelity". i think that was in the moral code of my little group too. One was supposed to tell about all the love affairs. So i ended up knowing more about the sex lives of my best friends from DJ than i really wanted to know. Or at least i would have preferred hearing the details from them rather than him. Sometimes even down to postions and why those particular ones seemed to work better. And about the girl he picked up hitchhiking and stayed the night with him. Ah well. i don't think i talked that much about who i slept with, not in terms of details.

While she doesn't identify herself as being submissive, i found that the more i read, especially towards the last half of the book, the more clear it was for me that she is very submissive. Her tone is very distant a lot of the time, and often i wanted to know more of the story of her relationships rather than the little snippets she provides. i think that was what was unsettling to me also in the first part of the book. There is a dijointed feeling about how much she reveals of acts and how little she offers of the narrative of her life. On the other hand i came to feel that this is how she experiences life herself, somewhat dissociated from it, and actually fairly comfortable that way. It gives her some unique perspectives on things. So that also helped me understand how she could tolerate experiences that for me would be better off remaining in fantasy. Although my fantasies have not generally gone on the themes that hers have. The amount of male attention i seem to desire is limited to maybe six or seven at the most, and as the fantasy grows it usually is just focused on one. With a few lurking in the background and they don't really come into play, so to speak.

Finally i am not particularly looking forward to the day when people fuck each other in the middle of subway stations. i agree perfectly that sex is much more at the center of things than most would like to acknowledge. And it is good to be frank about it. It is also good to have some descretion and privacy.

One last note about something that happened today. My arousal was more up and down. Yeast infection, just on the outside (i think). However when i was walking to get the kids, i thought " S is pleased that i am doing this." i was wearing the plug and really i thought i was going to cum just thinking about S feeling pleased.

Some Changes in S
Today i noticed several changes in S, or i suppose it's over the last several days. S is a very opinionated driver. Fortunately, i generally earn his approval as a driver, although of course there is room for improvement. And he generally drives anyway if we're together, because he is more comfortable that way, and it's no big deal to me.

Each car trip is punctuated by his disgust at the other hapless drivers who of course are oblivious to how mercilessly they are goading him. During our marriage i've approached this many different ways, getting no where. i've pointed out that no one is paying his stern looks, flashing lights etc any mind. i've pointed out that their behavior is not personal, they are probably just lost in their own thoughts and have no intention to offend anyone. Once or twice i've asked him to calm down (only if he was really loosing his temper).

Anyway now i say nothing, or ocassionally even agree with him, if i actually do agree with him. i think it was yesterday or Friday he turned to me and said, "Why do I give these people the power to get me so upset! I don't need to do that." i'm not sure this will be a sticking type of thought yet , or ever, because he is so used to complaining when he drives. i would be very thankful if it would stay around awhile, because he has high blood pressure and he drives a lot. If he were able to relax more when he drives it would be a nice thing for his health.

Today he was home most of the day and did the dishes and changed the sheets on the bed, things i've been doing mostly. i thanked him! And he wanted to walk with me again, but there was the beginning of a thunderstorm and he decided against it. So i guess on some level my increased activity has inspired him. It's so hard with his arthritis. He used to hold my hand and i'd have to pull away because he would unconsciously tighten his grip so much that it was painful. Now he is marvelling every day at how strong my dinky little hands are. And all this in just about a year or a year and a half.

When we made love last night, i was so excited that i thought i was going to cum before he started fucking me. And then i couldn't hold back again. i couldn't believe how wonderful he felt inside me. After he came i thought i was done, but i started to cum very hard a second time.

i think the work plan is starting off fairly well.
i'll know more after i've been using it a few more days.

i forgot to wear my plug this morning, actually i didn't forget, but S was in the bathroom every time i went in there to put it in. i finally left without it, feeling upset that i couldn't be as obedient as i intended to be. And hoping that i could be as aroused without it, no not really. i was able to wear it to my meeting tonight. i took it out before remembering that i could wear it during my walk with Blue.

The other thing i wanted to put down hereis that it seems like P is considering becoming a vegetarian or at least eating less meat. He's mostly been having peanut butter sandwiches. he asked what tofu tastes like (nothing no flavor), and he keeps saying, "It's not necessary to eat meat."

i think i'll buy some vegeburgers or something similar the next time i go to the store. See if anything strikes his fancy.
That's about it before i collapse to bed.

work goals, vacation, etc.
i've been thinking about how to schedule the phone calls, etc related to work. i think it will take some trial and error to get things more or less on a schedule.

This is what i've come up with for a start:

When i have paperwork overdue, leave home at 8:30 instead of 9 so that i can tackle some of this before i start seeing patients. (Of course tomorrow my first patient is at 9, so it won't have a lot of effect tomorrow. However it will help me get in the habit of leaving a bit earlier anyway.)

The best time to try to get teachers is early in the morning or right when i get home from picking up the kids at school. That's also a good time for businesses, other therapists etc. Sometimes ok for parents depending on work schedules.

So i should have time set aside at 3:30 for about half an hour or so. If i don't have phone calls, then usually there is a letter to write or some insurance forms to fill out. i don't want to do it at 3:00 because i want to work w J on his homework then. (Stubborn wonderful silly guy)

Then i need to have a phone time in the early evening for parents who work, so maybe around 7. Tomorrow i have clerk's meeting, so if i have extra phone calls they'll need to be done before 6 or so.

The other thing i can do is update my list of work related chores each day after my last round of calls. i don't generally call people twice for the same problem. But sometimes if someone is very ill and we are trying to avoid hospitalization i will call them every day to check in and make sure the plan is working out. That's when i've had people start acting shocked to hear me call and as if i was being very intrusive.

i felt very virtuous this morning having figured out that i could go shopping for groceries early and get it out of the way. Going in the morning is good also because i am a lot more alert and can stay on task much more easily. By the end of the day i am sometimes half asleep anyway and it's easy for me to day dream in the store and i become very indecisive.

It was interesting having a little vacation yesterday. At first i didn't want to have a vacation. Then i decided that i could pick and choose for one day. So i only put my food down on the calendar and i didn't write here. But most everything else i did, plug, walk Blue, arousal, mb. It was nice to have a break from being focused on the clock. (Now when did i use the bathroom last?)

The other thing increasingly on my mind is: i'm going to my conference on May 21-26. Actually i leave on the twentieth and will drive. i need to plan how i will manage my food. i know i have a fridge and a microwave in the room, can't remember if there's anything else. In the past, for example, when i helped take care of my father in Baltimore, i modified my diet somewhat, so it wouldn't be so difficult. i did a sort of two day rotation. But this time, maybe i can keep on track a bit more. i'll have to play it by ear a little bit, because things are so unpredictable when travelling. One of the courses i was going to take was cancelled and i'm disappointed. It was on using meditation to access nonverbal "material" for use in psychotherapy. Not that i do much (if any) depth psychotherapy, but somehow any technique i learn seems to help my understanding overall.

And it was an area that was deeply interesting to one of my more inspiring attendings in residency, connections between psychoanalysis and religious experience, that is.

Oh yesterday i got very upset for a while. S needed to go to the mall after Meeting. We went and i got "A Woman's Worth" and "A Return to Love" at the bookstore. P went out on little expeditions and then returned. Meanwhile, J commandered the train table. S told me that there was some type of conflict, but that he thought it was ok. Well J didn't think it was ok. i listened and then went to speak to the other little boy (much littler than J). J was upset because the boy had been very inflexible in how he wanted to play. And the boy (who was probably too young to listen very well anyway), hadn't listened to him. But i think that J was probably actually angry at the boy's father, who approached when i asked the boy if he could say he was sorry to J. The father said "A father never lets his son apologize". i was rather taken aback. Now i didn't necessarily feel the boy had done anything wrong in an intentional way. At any rate the father had taken his son's point of view, which was natural and given his son being younger than mine sensible. So i was a bit unsettled.

But then J, being J, went over to the train table and "accidentally" pinched the boy's finger in one of the toys on the table. Then i was really upset. First with J, and then normally i would have made sure that J apologized. but after the little talk from the father about not apologizing, i wasn't sure if the apology would just offend or not. Not to mention that it might take up to an hour to get J to apologize. A very strong willed sort.

The worst thing was that S got very upset because i was upset. So the whole episode put a damper on the day for me for a while. My mother would have said "That's bats!!" to the idea that anyone should never apologize, or admit they made an error. And i have to agree, that just doesn't make sense to me. We're all human, aren't we? How can we learn if we don't mess up sometimes? i wish J didn't get so bent on revenge when he feels injured. And he is a physical guy, everything is expressed through physicality with him. It just may take him a while longer to find other ways to deal with his anger.

More Transparency
So, what am i hiding?

Some of my self-doubt yesterday is focused on my worry and nagging guilt when i get behind on calling patients back, when we end up playing phone tag, when i don't know what to do and it is unclear what to do.

My current patient that i'm worried about is a young black girl, about 15, who seems to have schizophrenia, but with significant mood swings and episodic dissociative or conversion reactions (no one is quite sure). She also has had some severe edema, which the docs at the ER told her was a side effect from one of her medicines. But i think they just told her that because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. She' s been hospitalized at least three times this year. She goes from being a straight A student for 2 or 3 months, to being completely paranoid, wandering the streets aimlessly for hours, her mother anxiously trailing her in her car. i'm concerned she might have lupus. There may be another difficult to diagnose condition going on, but i haven't gotten that far yet. And it could be one of her medicines causing the swelling, except she's been on them for months without this much trouble, so it just doesn't make sense. i spoke to her today, so she's still alive, uncomfortable, but quite rational and will have a few blood tests on Monday.

When i get home from work, i usually plan to make some phone calls or do some other work related chore that i haven't gotten to at the office. Then something distracts me and by the time i remember, it is not really the proper hour to call people, unless it is a life threatening emergency, in which case i would have been paged. The same goes for my "day off" Monday. So when i have routine "crises" going on i feel a nagging guilt. And then when i have something exceptional going on at work i feel uneasy and worried. If i haven't done what i think i should have clinically or humanly, i feel guilty when i have a lapse.

Sometimes i have over compensated and will call people up to follow their progress only to have them say, "What, it's you again!!" Then of course i back off. So sometimes my judgement here is totally out of wack at least as far as the patient's family is concerned. Sometimes i'm right to be so concerned and sometimes i'm not.

Why i tend to avoid this stuff. Sometimes it's someone i don't want to deal with. Sometimes it's someone i know has to talk for half an hour to say something which could be said in 5 minutes. Sometimes i don't mind at all. Like today i should have called a mother whose daughter i recommended be started on Zoloft for anxiety (she has Asperger's). She has had some response to Buspar, which is gentler, but they are going on a big trip to visit distant relatives and so . . . they wanted to try something stronger. i guess my avoidance is that when i saw them face to face i asked about 3 times if there were any other questions, i had explained about potential side effects every way i could think of. And i'm just tired of dealing with the furor about anti-depressants at this point. The only viable alternative is an anti-psychotic and really, that's not what i would want for my child as a second choice med. However, it is really my duty to have called her already. And to patiently explain my point of view and let them make their decision. On the other hand nothing exceptional will happen because i wait until Monday to be a patient explainer. She can continue on the Buspar for a few more days, no big deal.

So those are a couple of examples of the sort of thing i was feeling i should have done yesterday afternoon/evening instead of walking Blue, working on bills and planning P's summer activities.

Otherwise, when i realized that i should be more open about what is troubling me. i was surprised that i had forgotten. This is a big part of the whole point, give things over. Stop trying to do everything and be everything all the time. It is a way of trying to keep control, very unpleasant really. And also sort of insulting for others. i mean if i ask for assistance, surely people can tell me that they are either willing to help or not. All on their own, without me deciding for them that i am a burden. Imagine that!!

i am very slowly working my way through CM. The cover promises that it will hold me tighter than a pair of handcuffs. i think my handcuffs are too loose. i keep slipping away. i am getting more out of it now that i'm in the section about details. When i finish it i will write more about my impressions of it.

i managed to get the stairs and hall cleared!! i used my new 2nd strategy. i told the boys that i was going to take anything they didn't clear out of the porch, the stair and the hallway to Good will. First i would give them a half-hour warning and be available to help them if needed. So J helped me some, and those things he helped sort will go to GUTS. The other stuff all went to Goodwill. And is thankfully GONE. i did relent on one of J's beanie babies and some little lego pieces, but everything else got taken away or tossed. With this approach i think i can do the rest of the house more quickly. Both for my clutter and for the kids. P is finally to the point where he is not attached like a leach to everything he's ever owned. J has never been all that attached to things. So as long as S and i can restrain our tendencies to accumulate, we should be ok.

i can take tomorrow off. i'm not sure i'll want to, but thanks anyway. It's a nice gift.

i am still pretty moody, but at least not consistently beating myself up needlessly, or even needfully. (As if i would know , which i don't)

This morning when S and i had sex, i couldn't hold off cumming when he was fucking me. Then when he came, i felt like i was cumming, but it was mostly emotional. i felt so relieved that i had pleased him that it was like i was crying. No tears but the same shaking and sobbing type of breath. i felt so grateful, and even more so when i made a slight move to get off of him and he held me there close. When he cums it is so exciting to me. He doesn't cum when i give him a bj, but it does get both of us very ready.

Anyway i wanted to get this down as that emotional part at the end of sex is happening more often and more intensely.

Overall i've had a better day today. i had my focus back, for the most part. The meditative masturbation was very helpful. i told S i was taking a bath so that i would have some privacy. Not ideal, since he was in bed on the other side of the door and i didn't feel i could make noise, but still it was very helpful. i had wanted to pull my focus out of myself and somehow couldn't until that.

So i masturbated more than usual today and i will continue that for a while with these "demons" pestering me. i was ok until i started on my walk and went down the path. i found myself assailed with doubts about whether i had made the right choices in terms of what things i had gotten done. The litany of things i perhaps should have done instead, that it was now too late to do today. Whether i would have the presence of mind to remember to do them tomorrow. And on and on. i could say that at times i regret being a doctor because it means that some of these decisions are more important than some other areas of my life. But in terms of my internal life, i know it wouldn't make a difference because this kind of insecurity has been with me at least since my pre -teens.

i found myself wondering if the discomfort i have felt the past few days is really any more intense than what i've felt in the past, or if it is really the same. Maybe it feels worse because i've had a break from it.

At any rate i also came to the conclusion that i'm much happier when thinking about how to please other people than thinking about how to please myself. i'm confused about this. i'm "supposed" to find out what i really want, but so far i'm finding that i seem to want less and less. Except for needing reassurance, that seems to be more and more.

It is a bit frightening to me to feel that i don't really want anything in particular except to be pleasing and obedient. i feel as if i'm dissolving or something. It also reminds me of how i felt when i was very depressed (about 12 and 13, although it really lasted til i was 17). Many times people would ask me what i wanted either in the next ten minutes or the next ten years and i really had no inkling at all. Which they seemed to find very odd.
i don't even seem to want to read, which is something i usually can't stop myself from doing.

Well now i'm scaring myself more which is to no purpose.

S has decided to see if he can give pipsqueak away. i feel good that i've managed to let him make the decision on this one. Pretty much by saying that i was ok with it either way.

i wonder if some of my upset during the walk was triggered in a sense by his reaction when i told him "i'd like to take Blue on a walk while there's still some light, if that's ok with you." And he said, "Do whatever you like." Which is the normal thing for him to say, so why am i upset by it? This is my deal, not necessarily his.

He is happier, that's for sure. He was saying how much so tonight and when we went out for dinner on Wed. He said i seemed a lot more focused. He also said he felt he needed to do more around the house, because he could see how much i'm trying to do and is worried i'll get frustrated and explode. i said, " You have plenty to do with your business!" He agreed. And i agree with me too. If his business goes well i might even be able to cut back on my work hours again.

i wish that cooking didn't take up so much time. But it does. Tonight i was really the only one who ate anything. But if i don't cook for me, then there is no food for me. So that's that. Maybe i'll get more efficient after a while.

When we were out to dinner i was telling him about my older journal entries and how i was constantly judging myself and not able to find a focus. He said he feels the same way himself.
So we talked a bit about that some more, ie judging oneself, and how that gets in the way. And then the steak had that horrible "prairie dust" stuff on it that makes my mouth burn, but fortunately i only have one sore in my mouth from it. We sent the steak back and got another one without all the junk on it. That sort of derailed our conversation. i was glad i had my epi-pen with me, although i've never needed to use it.

i've been thinking a lot about jealousy too, but that just ties in with insecurity, etc. And i'm tired.

i am still in a rotten mood.

That said i am focusing more on my arousal and on being pleasing, which brings me some comfort. Trying not to dwell on my emotions and thoughts so much. Just to stay present.

Update on ED: His folks made an appointment to see me today. So, as i told my self, all that distress for nothing. He is fine. His father caame in with him and spent most of the time talking about whether or not the problems of ED were more genetic, environmental, social or perhaps related to a lack of fresh air, sunshine, cashews and Zinc. ED meanwhile was smirking at me, hiding his face behind his long hair so his father couldn't see his efforts to keep from laughing. iwas in the awkward situation of wanting to make funny faces back at ED, while behaving respectfully to his father. I think I managed to everyone's satisfaction. And as always I told him that it was good to see him, especially not in a hsopital bed. And he gave his signature good-bye, which is "It's always good to see you. " Very sweet.

I started out the day very mopey. More mopey because our server was down. (What happened to my "i"?) i decided to look over my early early journal from December, before i found the site et al. i thought it might be helpful for monitoring. And it was, big time. When i first started reading in the forum i couldn't read a lot at one sitting. My head would feel dizzy inside. Looking back at what i wrote in December was the same in reverse. i could barely stand to actually read what i had written. Mostly i was running around wondering what to do next and judging myself constantly. Very painful.

So then it was that i realized part of my upset of yesterday and today. Judging myself again. The shoes, concern about my new role(s), worry about finances to some extent.

And i seem to have moved from terror about becoming the same as everyone else and not being unique, to ambivalence. Or perhaps ping-ponging between wanting to be "normal" and wanting to be completely unique. In some ways absurd because in some sense we are all completely normal and without a doubt we are each extremely unique.

i was wondering about the shoe issue and why it strikes such a chord in me. It's partly not being able to do what i want to do. But i think perhaps it's wanting to feel like i'm "just one of the girls". Why did i never feel that way? i always had friends, but i was never in the most popular group. i tend to drift between groups, never completely belonging to one or another. In some ways i like that, but at times i just want to feel like i belong period.

i found myself feeling resentful that i seem to thrust myself into positions which are demanding of me. Yet i get bored so easily without a challenge. i wanted to ask, "Can't i just go back to cowering from life for a while?" i realize that in some ways i wish and off and on have wished that i had less "potential" because striving to fulfill that potential can be so frightening. It can also be immensely satisfying. i don't even know what is so frightening about it. i used to feel that it was because i was afraid i couldn't meet my parents expectations, but i don't think that's the case now.

Some of it is that i don't really know what i want. i am afraid of finding out what i want, that my wants and desires will be too immense and all consuming. Afraid of disappointment if i can't have what i want.

And i'm not quite sure what this has to do with submission, except getting to know myself better. Somehow it seems connected with my lack of wanting to set goals and get the house more organized. Even if i don't care that much about it myself, it would please S greatly to have things more "squared away". i am going to need to become firmer with the sons to accomplish this, in one way or another.

When i realized that i was back to judging again, eventually my mood lifted and i let go. For much of the day i felt like i was clinging to that control like a raft in a deluge. i knew that my reaction to the posts on shoes was mostly within me. i'm glad there is/may be a disclaimer, but a lot of this is my issue. i'm sure that the fear/trust issue will arise again, as well as my judging. i'm sending my early journal off in the interests of transparency. Really some of the things i was doing made me want to laugh at myself, in a kind, "silly old bear" sort of way.

So here are the belated goals for the week:

Clear out toys from porch, hall way and stairs. If time weed and mulch front flower bed.

Gerbils. Organize first Day school stuff. Summer camps for P. Finish jobs for Summer camp at Meeting.

i don't really have anything in particular to write about.

ED: i've had no news, left messages on both parents cell phones and nothing, will try again tomorrow. i have a suspicion that they've decided to leave me and take treatment with the Good Dr he started seeing in the hospital. i may be wrong. If i am right, i actually don't feel badly about it. i mean who wants to possibly go through all that again?? Not that it wasn't or wouldn't be worth every second of worry, anxiety, etc. etc. Also i know he will be in really good hands with the Good Dr. Not that my hands aren't good, but let's face it, we all have our strong and weak points. And i may have given him all that i can at this time. The only thing i don't like is that i may not get to see ED again! Well that's the breaks. Any how it's all up in the air and just speculation for now.

i'm in a bit of a glum mood. Not sure what that's about. i want to think that i am tired and suffering from the pollen. In my happier moments today, i was having some rather pleasant thoughts.

Shaving: How is this going?? i've been doing this for about 3 months now! Results wise it is not "perfect", but it is better than it was. Shaving twice a day helps a lot.

It has changed how i feel about my cunt quite a bit. Of course i am more aware of everything, of every feeling, more than when it was padded with hair. Walking Blue i can feel my lips rubbing against the seam of my jeans and this makes me sigh, especially if i have the plug in. i like the feeling that the mons has when my dress rubs against it. The last time i really saw the outer lips was long long ago, when they were plump and pudgy. Now they are very soft, thinish, and pliable, fun to play with, just like the inner lips, but not so wet. They make funny shapes at times gaping open or stuck closed. my clit is not so affected by the shaving itself, more so by the arousal that is not always constantly there, but seems to be present much much more than not.

i can tolerate a level of arousal that is so much more intense than a few months ago. At times i am less aware and check myself only to find that when i check i am much closer to the edge than i thought. When i masturbate i find that i generally relax rather deeply and focus mostly just on what i am feeling rather than any fantasy. As i approach close to climaxing i breathe more deeply and concentrate even more on the sensations, trying to keep going without cumming as long as i think i can. Then i stop and sometimes do the whole process again, although it doesn't usually take all that long.

Things that arouse me:
Obvious:
Touching S. S touching me. When i kiss his neck, the looseness of the skin there reminds me of his cock. i love kissing his neck and do it when ever i can. The day after we make love and i can smell his scent seeping out from my cunt off and on all day. When he kisses me, especially if he holds me away from him, it drives me crazy with desire. The same if he kisses lightly at the corner of my mouth. Looking at his back, his butt. Touching his chest, brushing against his nipples.

i think i'll continue this later. The real thing is in bed right now. Nothing may happen, but i can't waste this opportunity to be near him.

Difference
i've been thinking a lot (as usual) about my fears of being "usual", or as i used to put it "normal". This always annoyed my friends immensely, since they were into being normal. However i was not. Even around nine or ten, when most kids are desperate to fit in, i wanted to be different. Or, as i have been pondering this odd desire, i felt i was different, so via sour grapes logic, i decided to take pride in being different. Sort of a reverse snobbism.

Why did i feel so different? i'm not exactly sure. my parents did not exactly value conformity, so that played a role. my mother worked as a scientist at a time when that was quite uncommon. my father wasn't all that interested in sports or anything athletic. Well maybe ballet or dance. And my parents were much older than everyone else's, my mother was 38 when i was born and my father was 49. that's not so unusual these days, but it was then.

At any rate it hardly matters why. What is more interesting to me is my fear. It is like i felt and sometimes still do fear that if i am not different enough, i will cease to exist. Or become invisible. i have often felt invisible in the past and powerless, paralysed. Especially when i would just cut off from my feelings.

Then today i read a post about the wonders of high heels, i should have just stopped as soon as i saw what the topic was about, given that this is a sore point for me. But Nooooo! i had to read on and even look at the link. When i started to fix dinner i felt a rush of upset sweep over me. i felt sorry for myself with my little shaped like duck's feet. i felt misunderstood, etc. etc. Then i thought , "This is just like those posts concerning 'withholding sex'. Stop it cathy, just stop" i reminded myself that i have a plan for the whole shoe thing. When i have enough money i am going to order shoes from Zappo's and try them on at home and return the ones that don't fit perfectly. And that's that. Remembering that i had a plan already helped me calm down.

Then i thought about appearing more feminine and how as a young woman i was often more concerned with wanting to look less feminine, either because of dykehood, or just to avoid men in general. Of course my mother was not really into getting dolled up. Wore lipstick and that was about it. Had no high heels. i saw a mother painting her little daughter's toe nails on my walk. That never happened to me. And my mother felt incompetent at that sort of thing. We tried to curl my hair once with rollers with disassterous results. We laughed a lot.

Another thing that is connected to all this is the membership secy work. This is the sort of job that i avoid and feel sure that i won't be able to be organized enough to do at all, much less adequately. i'm the worst for birthdays and the usual social niceties. So it's odd to have a feeling of being a hostess of a sort. Odd to watch the mixed responses i get and what strategies seem to help women decide they can post. Actually i've only tried two strategies so far. The most successful to date is telling them they don't have to post and i'll just nag them about it again later. Well i say it in a much more friendly manner.
i may have to be a bit more firm in the next go round, but i haven't quite figured that part out yet.

i missed stretching once or twice in the last week, partly due to illness. i think i need to make sure to do it early in the day. If i leave it til night then i seem to make excuses, even though it doesn't take much time.

Tomorrow i will make up my goal list again. At least i got a few things done. And feeling like Scarlett O'Hara, i will leave saying "Tomorrow is another day!!" Too bad i don't have the accent to pull it off.