Loosing weight: J felt sick to his stomach today also, so i guess it is a virus, as he didn't eat anything that i ate. So it's possible that i might be ok with something approaching wheat, but i 'd better wait to experiment more until after my trip.

i need to buy some new clothes, well i did anyway, but now that there is less of me . . . well nothing quite fits right anymore. Even my favorite expensive dress now looks ok, but not as ok as it did last year when i had bigger curves. So i have mixed feelings about this weight loss stuff. Hopefully i'll settle down and not loose anymore. i enjoy the walking and feel much stronger physically overall. i asked S about the thinner me, and he said he is happy as long as he has "enough to hold on to". So apparently that's ok. It is strange to have my breasts be smaller.

In fact i feel a bit morose about it all. i don't know why exactly. i guess it's because i wasn't really intending to loose weight or not quite this much. So i suppose it is a control issue isn't it. As long as i'm healthy it should be ok.

i don't like shopping, i'm thinking of just doing it on-line and getting it out of the way.

Arousal: i think i'm becoming addicted to pleasing. i mentioned in the forum that there have been times recently when just thinking that i'm being pleasing has brought me right to the edge of cumming to the point that i am afraid i'll slip right over. i seem to be getting confused again about exactly what i'm feeling physically.

This morning while S was fucking me i had to be quiet because P was awake. For me that is a challenge. i had to be content with a lot of heavy breathing. i wasn't actually completely sure if i came or not, just that my thighs were shakey afterwards. After S came he held me. He said "You did well", meaning not making noise. Then i got teary eyed with joy because i had pleased him that way too. Later this afternoon he said that he felt like a king after "my wake up call and having coffee made for me too". Of course that made me happy.

Before we fucked, i had given him a blow job, seems to be the start of a Saturday am ritual. He said that "if i was wet, had my diaphragm in and could be quiet . . ." i wasn't sure that i was wet enough, but i was. It helps that his cock is always very hard after i've sucked on it. i think part of the reason i enjoy this so much is getting to notice and feel all the changes in his cock and balls the whole time.

At other times it is confusing to me even when to put down that i've masturbated. There are times when i set aside a bit of time very intentionally for it and that i am good about recording, but there are other times of either idle fiddling where i don't try to bring myself to the brink of cumming. and then there is inserting the plug which is often extremely arousing and could be considered masturbating too. Also there are times when i check my arousal and find that i'm closer than i thought, i don't cum, but i get to the edge rather alarmingly quickly.

A few times i have felt the urge to ask S for anal sex, but i have worries about if i am ready. i also have no idea if he would be interested or not. i still worry a bit too about if he would feel pressure to say yes to please me, not knowing that i would accept his no. And i 'm not sure if i've dealt with how i would feel if he said no. Not that such a thing is always predictable.

Well it's quite late, must stop.

Work: i had a pretty good day at work considering i had to break the possible lupus news to my patient. i'm referring her to S's rheumotologist, because he is so good, and so nice. i'll have to write a treatment summary so he knows what has gone on. She is depressed so she didn't show much expression. The mother understood a bit more. But was also feeling a bit in shock. That's appropriate i would say.

Then i saw my emergency from last night. A true manic, looking like most manics do when they are really worn out, but can't slow themselves down. Pasty skin, looking exhausted, this large man with piercing eyes met my gaze and i smiled. He shuffled down the hall with his large day-timer notebook in running shoes with no socks, hair unwashed and uncombed generally a bit unkempt. Yet with a very gentlemanly style, politely asks where he should sit. Sits and then proceeds to talk my ears off. Telling his story in excruciating detail, at first constantly assuring me that every bit is true, expecting me to disbelieve. "I have friends in high places, places of power." He has his talismans on display, a cross around his neck, a discreet hoop in his left ear (i have no idea what that means these days, can't keep up with all that) and a "White House Staff" shirt, provided by one of his friends in high places.

His manner reminded me of ED, very sweet even in his mild grandiosity. Eventually he decided i was ok, took his shoes off, lay down on my couch (asking politely if each was ok first) and continued talking non-stop, while complaining that the medicine i had called in for him last night was making him feel soooo ssslllooowwww. i assured him that he didn't seem slowed down to me.

i need to call him over the week-end to touch base. and i've got another patient i need to call tomorrow also. i love my work, but i have to admit that when i left work today i really felt like i didn't want to think about it anymore.

But i think that's because i ate those spelt pancakes and it's messed up my gut. Spelt is related to wheat, i was checking to see if maybe i could tolerate the spelt. But i think not. i feel very drained and a bit nauseated.

i did start planning my trip. It looks like my hotel doesn't have high speed internet, so i need to check out what internal modem i have and what i need to do to be able to check my e-mail while i'm gone. There is a lot that i just haven't learned about all the computer things. The details change so rapidly that i only bother when i really need to know. i can always ask my brother for advice, if i get somewhat desperate.

Think i'll take my medicine and go to sleep now. Hopefully i'll feel better in the morning.

i am not sure that i have a whole lot to say tonight, but then that's what i thought yesterday and it wasn't true then.

i've had a couple of rather heady days at work recently. Today i had the odd experience of feeling elated for about two seconds and then feeling despair. The patient i think may have lupus or some other similar thing, probably does, her tests came i today. So tomorrow afternoon i see her again and will need to set her up with a rheumatologist, unless she has a really good family doctor who wants to treat her. But i think she really needs a specialist at this point. So there i was thinking "Yes! i'm brilliant!" and then thinking "i wouldn't wish lupus on my worst enemy" Then again i wouldn't wish schizoaffective disorder (her diagnosis up to today) on my worst enemy either. And at least with the proper diagnosis she might actually get some treatment that will help her, instead of the nightmare her life has become at this point.

Then yesterday i had a very good day with all my patients. They all left feeling better than when they came in. And today with the patient i'm seeing every other week for therapy. . . i may have to see if he is willing to come in weekly. i have to decide how i feel about it too, because i'm seeing him pro bono and i have to be sure i won't harbor resentment towards him before i offer this. i have a bit of time anyway, because he is having surgery near the end of this month and that will put a bit of a hold on things. But i was happy to have him involved enough that he was asking for more from the session. He brought in some notes for me. And what he said indicated that he wasn't able to "hold" the session for two weeks. i also started him on medicine, which has never helped him in the past, but everything has to be tried.

CM
i am not sure what i want to write about today.
But i think i will write about CM, although i haven't finished the last twenty or so pages. Well it was only ten, so i just finished reading it.

The process of reading the book was interesting to me, watching my own reactions to what she describes.

i didn't care too much for the first part, numbers. It brought back bad feelings for me. Although the whole idea of a caravan of men following a lead car for miles and miles to an unknown meeting place to fuck a particular girl has to appeal to the narcissist in me. And it makes me laugh. Surely most women have thought about sex in that context, that "i am so attractive and desirable that thousands of men want me".

i did relate to her feelings about , " I grew into a rather passive woman, having no goal other than those other people set for me." This is the veritable story of my life. Except for medical school i guess, since no one in particular was pleased with my decision. No one was particularly discouraging either. i felt it was my best chance to help people in general, given my limitations and abilities as i understood them at that time. And although i hated most of the medical school experience, it was partly easy because everything was set out as to what to do. It was nearly impossible to please anyone, but at least i never really had time to worry about what to do with myself.

As i said before when she started talking about her fantasies i realized that the situations she was in were indeed what she wanted. She certainly enjoyed giving pleasure.

i felt a certain amount of jealousy for her situation vis a vis mine. In my "wild days", i was never anyone's particular girl friend as such. In my hippie group possessiveness of any sort was strongly frowned upon. Of course it was generally the guys who frowned upon the girls jealousies. They were entitled to fuck whomever they could get. However things were egalitarian enough that should a girl have many lovers, they would be frowned upon also for making a fuss about it.
So my jealousy was that she had, especially early on, someone who was watching over her, making sure she was treated correctly, some type of protection.

Now i never had any particularly brutal experiences, but many times i was just a random fuck. i could see not minding this as much as i did, if i was doing it, at least in part, to please someone who actually cared about me. And no one ever particularly commented on whether i was especially "good", so i could only gauge that by requests for repeat experiences. That was variable. i think that in a way i would feel less guilt, and i have to admit there is some bad feeling still, if i had slept only with people who i knew gave a damn. Not that they had to be in love with me, but that they had some interest in knowing me as a person and some degree of respect for me. The bad feeling seems connected to not caring much about myself and having that reflected back to me in my experiences. i don't feel as awkward about what i actually did. i can understand much more why i wanted to have sex as much as i did, even when the bulk of the time i didn't enjoy it.

Now this book was also helpful to me in terms of "i didn't enjoy it". Because obviously i enjoyed it in some way or i wouldn't have chosen to keep doing it. (another thing which always puzzled me)
i remember with one of my first lovers, the first who slept with me more than once. He was fondling me. i was lying down feeling terribly afraid. Now i realize my fear was that i would displease him or someone else. He was fucking me with his fingers and after a time he laughed with satisfaction and said, "you just melted". This puzzled me greatly, because my mind was completely occupied by my fear of doing something wrong. It was nowhere near my cunt. My cunt was off on a distant planet somewhere. i was generally more aware of pain than of pleasure in that region of my body. But i did love being held and kissed a great deal. And i always had a great sense of satisfaction when the man i was with came. i actually felt guilty at times about this very vicarious pleasure.

The scene when she looses her virginity in a tent by the sea reminded me of my cross country camping trip with the woman i lived with during med school. We were almost completely unself conscious until we were at a campsite and didn't make love, but spent several hours talking and laughing and laughing. The next morning a woman said,"You sure were having a good time last night!" And she and i realized simultaneously that everyone had been hearing our cries all across the USA. i'm not sure it made a lot of difference in our volume. We laughed about that too.

i also can relate to her feelings of guilt about having secret vs. open "infidelity". i think that was in the moral code of my little group too. One was supposed to tell about all the love affairs. So i ended up knowing more about the sex lives of my best friends from DJ than i really wanted to know. Or at least i would have preferred hearing the details from them rather than him. Sometimes even down to postions and why those particular ones seemed to work better. And about the girl he picked up hitchhiking and stayed the night with him. Ah well. i don't think i talked that much about who i slept with, not in terms of details.

While she doesn't identify herself as being submissive, i found that the more i read, especially towards the last half of the book, the more clear it was for me that she is very submissive. Her tone is very distant a lot of the time, and often i wanted to know more of the story of her relationships rather than the little snippets she provides. i think that was what was unsettling to me also in the first part of the book. There is a dijointed feeling about how much she reveals of acts and how little she offers of the narrative of her life. On the other hand i came to feel that this is how she experiences life herself, somewhat dissociated from it, and actually fairly comfortable that way. It gives her some unique perspectives on things. So that also helped me understand how she could tolerate experiences that for me would be better off remaining in fantasy. Although my fantasies have not generally gone on the themes that hers have. The amount of male attention i seem to desire is limited to maybe six or seven at the most, and as the fantasy grows it usually is just focused on one. With a few lurking in the background and they don't really come into play, so to speak.

Finally i am not particularly looking forward to the day when people fuck each other in the middle of subway stations. i agree perfectly that sex is much more at the center of things than most would like to acknowledge. And it is good to be frank about it. It is also good to have some descretion and privacy.

One last note about something that happened today. My arousal was more up and down. Yeast infection, just on the outside (i think). However when i was walking to get the kids, i thought " S is pleased that i am doing this." i was wearing the plug and really i thought i was going to cum just thinking about S feeling pleased.

Some Changes in S
Today i noticed several changes in S, or i suppose it's over the last several days. S is a very opinionated driver. Fortunately, i generally earn his approval as a driver, although of course there is room for improvement. And he generally drives anyway if we're together, because he is more comfortable that way, and it's no big deal to me.

Each car trip is punctuated by his disgust at the other hapless drivers who of course are oblivious to how mercilessly they are goading him. During our marriage i've approached this many different ways, getting no where. i've pointed out that no one is paying his stern looks, flashing lights etc any mind. i've pointed out that their behavior is not personal, they are probably just lost in their own thoughts and have no intention to offend anyone. Once or twice i've asked him to calm down (only if he was really loosing his temper).

Anyway now i say nothing, or ocassionally even agree with him, if i actually do agree with him. i think it was yesterday or Friday he turned to me and said, "Why do I give these people the power to get me so upset! I don't need to do that." i'm not sure this will be a sticking type of thought yet , or ever, because he is so used to complaining when he drives. i would be very thankful if it would stay around awhile, because he has high blood pressure and he drives a lot. If he were able to relax more when he drives it would be a nice thing for his health.

Today he was home most of the day and did the dishes and changed the sheets on the bed, things i've been doing mostly. i thanked him! And he wanted to walk with me again, but there was the beginning of a thunderstorm and he decided against it. So i guess on some level my increased activity has inspired him. It's so hard with his arthritis. He used to hold my hand and i'd have to pull away because he would unconsciously tighten his grip so much that it was painful. Now he is marvelling every day at how strong my dinky little hands are. And all this in just about a year or a year and a half.

When we made love last night, i was so excited that i thought i was going to cum before he started fucking me. And then i couldn't hold back again. i couldn't believe how wonderful he felt inside me. After he came i thought i was done, but i started to cum very hard a second time.

i think the work plan is starting off fairly well.
i'll know more after i've been using it a few more days.

i forgot to wear my plug this morning, actually i didn't forget, but S was in the bathroom every time i went in there to put it in. i finally left without it, feeling upset that i couldn't be as obedient as i intended to be. And hoping that i could be as aroused without it, no not really. i was able to wear it to my meeting tonight. i took it out before remembering that i could wear it during my walk with Blue.

The other thing i wanted to put down hereis that it seems like P is considering becoming a vegetarian or at least eating less meat. He's mostly been having peanut butter sandwiches. he asked what tofu tastes like (nothing no flavor), and he keeps saying, "It's not necessary to eat meat."

i think i'll buy some vegeburgers or something similar the next time i go to the store. See if anything strikes his fancy.
That's about it before i collapse to bed.

work goals, vacation, etc.
i've been thinking about how to schedule the phone calls, etc related to work. i think it will take some trial and error to get things more or less on a schedule.

This is what i've come up with for a start:

When i have paperwork overdue, leave home at 8:30 instead of 9 so that i can tackle some of this before i start seeing patients. (Of course tomorrow my first patient is at 9, so it won't have a lot of effect tomorrow. However it will help me get in the habit of leaving a bit earlier anyway.)

The best time to try to get teachers is early in the morning or right when i get home from picking up the kids at school. That's also a good time for businesses, other therapists etc. Sometimes ok for parents depending on work schedules.

So i should have time set aside at 3:30 for about half an hour or so. If i don't have phone calls, then usually there is a letter to write or some insurance forms to fill out. i don't want to do it at 3:00 because i want to work w J on his homework then. (Stubborn wonderful silly guy)

Then i need to have a phone time in the early evening for parents who work, so maybe around 7. Tomorrow i have clerk's meeting, so if i have extra phone calls they'll need to be done before 6 or so.

The other thing i can do is update my list of work related chores each day after my last round of calls. i don't generally call people twice for the same problem. But sometimes if someone is very ill and we are trying to avoid hospitalization i will call them every day to check in and make sure the plan is working out. That's when i've had people start acting shocked to hear me call and as if i was being very intrusive.

i felt very virtuous this morning having figured out that i could go shopping for groceries early and get it out of the way. Going in the morning is good also because i am a lot more alert and can stay on task much more easily. By the end of the day i am sometimes half asleep anyway and it's easy for me to day dream in the store and i become very indecisive.

It was interesting having a little vacation yesterday. At first i didn't want to have a vacation. Then i decided that i could pick and choose for one day. So i only put my food down on the calendar and i didn't write here. But most everything else i did, plug, walk Blue, arousal, mb. It was nice to have a break from being focused on the clock. (Now when did i use the bathroom last?)

The other thing increasingly on my mind is: i'm going to my conference on May 21-26. Actually i leave on the twentieth and will drive. i need to plan how i will manage my food. i know i have a fridge and a microwave in the room, can't remember if there's anything else. In the past, for example, when i helped take care of my father in Baltimore, i modified my diet somewhat, so it wouldn't be so difficult. i did a sort of two day rotation. But this time, maybe i can keep on track a bit more. i'll have to play it by ear a little bit, because things are so unpredictable when travelling. One of the courses i was going to take was cancelled and i'm disappointed. It was on using meditation to access nonverbal "material" for use in psychotherapy. Not that i do much (if any) depth psychotherapy, but somehow any technique i learn seems to help my understanding overall.

And it was an area that was deeply interesting to one of my more inspiring attendings in residency, connections between psychoanalysis and religious experience, that is.

Oh yesterday i got very upset for a while. S needed to go to the mall after Meeting. We went and i got "A Woman's Worth" and "A Return to Love" at the bookstore. P went out on little expeditions and then returned. Meanwhile, J commandered the train table. S told me that there was some type of conflict, but that he thought it was ok. Well J didn't think it was ok. i listened and then went to speak to the other little boy (much littler than J). J was upset because the boy had been very inflexible in how he wanted to play. And the boy (who was probably too young to listen very well anyway), hadn't listened to him. But i think that J was probably actually angry at the boy's father, who approached when i asked the boy if he could say he was sorry to J. The father said "A father never lets his son apologize". i was rather taken aback. Now i didn't necessarily feel the boy had done anything wrong in an intentional way. At any rate the father had taken his son's point of view, which was natural and given his son being younger than mine sensible. So i was a bit unsettled.

But then J, being J, went over to the train table and "accidentally" pinched the boy's finger in one of the toys on the table. Then i was really upset. First with J, and then normally i would have made sure that J apologized. but after the little talk from the father about not apologizing, i wasn't sure if the apology would just offend or not. Not to mention that it might take up to an hour to get J to apologize. A very strong willed sort.

The worst thing was that S got very upset because i was upset. So the whole episode put a damper on the day for me for a while. My mother would have said "That's bats!!" to the idea that anyone should never apologize, or admit they made an error. And i have to agree, that just doesn't make sense to me. We're all human, aren't we? How can we learn if we don't mess up sometimes? i wish J didn't get so bent on revenge when he feels injured. And he is a physical guy, everything is expressed through physicality with him. It just may take him a while longer to find other ways to deal with his anger.

More Transparency
So, what am i hiding?

Some of my self-doubt yesterday is focused on my worry and nagging guilt when i get behind on calling patients back, when we end up playing phone tag, when i don't know what to do and it is unclear what to do.

My current patient that i'm worried about is a young black girl, about 15, who seems to have schizophrenia, but with significant mood swings and episodic dissociative or conversion reactions (no one is quite sure). She also has had some severe edema, which the docs at the ER told her was a side effect from one of her medicines. But i think they just told her that because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. She' s been hospitalized at least three times this year. She goes from being a straight A student for 2 or 3 months, to being completely paranoid, wandering the streets aimlessly for hours, her mother anxiously trailing her in her car. i'm concerned she might have lupus. There may be another difficult to diagnose condition going on, but i haven't gotten that far yet. And it could be one of her medicines causing the swelling, except she's been on them for months without this much trouble, so it just doesn't make sense. i spoke to her today, so she's still alive, uncomfortable, but quite rational and will have a few blood tests on Monday.

When i get home from work, i usually plan to make some phone calls or do some other work related chore that i haven't gotten to at the office. Then something distracts me and by the time i remember, it is not really the proper hour to call people, unless it is a life threatening emergency, in which case i would have been paged. The same goes for my "day off" Monday. So when i have routine "crises" going on i feel a nagging guilt. And then when i have something exceptional going on at work i feel uneasy and worried. If i haven't done what i think i should have clinically or humanly, i feel guilty when i have a lapse.

Sometimes i have over compensated and will call people up to follow their progress only to have them say, "What, it's you again!!" Then of course i back off. So sometimes my judgement here is totally out of wack at least as far as the patient's family is concerned. Sometimes i'm right to be so concerned and sometimes i'm not.

Why i tend to avoid this stuff. Sometimes it's someone i don't want to deal with. Sometimes it's someone i know has to talk for half an hour to say something which could be said in 5 minutes. Sometimes i don't mind at all. Like today i should have called a mother whose daughter i recommended be started on Zoloft for anxiety (she has Asperger's). She has had some response to Buspar, which is gentler, but they are going on a big trip to visit distant relatives and so . . . they wanted to try something stronger. i guess my avoidance is that when i saw them face to face i asked about 3 times if there were any other questions, i had explained about potential side effects every way i could think of. And i'm just tired of dealing with the furor about anti-depressants at this point. The only viable alternative is an anti-psychotic and really, that's not what i would want for my child as a second choice med. However, it is really my duty to have called her already. And to patiently explain my point of view and let them make their decision. On the other hand nothing exceptional will happen because i wait until Monday to be a patient explainer. She can continue on the Buspar for a few more days, no big deal.

So those are a couple of examples of the sort of thing i was feeling i should have done yesterday afternoon/evening instead of walking Blue, working on bills and planning P's summer activities.

Otherwise, when i realized that i should be more open about what is troubling me. i was surprised that i had forgotten. This is a big part of the whole point, give things over. Stop trying to do everything and be everything all the time. It is a way of trying to keep control, very unpleasant really. And also sort of insulting for others. i mean if i ask for assistance, surely people can tell me that they are either willing to help or not. All on their own, without me deciding for them that i am a burden. Imagine that!!

i am very slowly working my way through CM. The cover promises that it will hold me tighter than a pair of handcuffs. i think my handcuffs are too loose. i keep slipping away. i am getting more out of it now that i'm in the section about details. When i finish it i will write more about my impressions of it.

i managed to get the stairs and hall cleared!! i used my new 2nd strategy. i told the boys that i was going to take anything they didn't clear out of the porch, the stair and the hallway to Good will. First i would give them a half-hour warning and be available to help them if needed. So J helped me some, and those things he helped sort will go to GUTS. The other stuff all went to Goodwill. And is thankfully GONE. i did relent on one of J's beanie babies and some little lego pieces, but everything else got taken away or tossed. With this approach i think i can do the rest of the house more quickly. Both for my clutter and for the kids. P is finally to the point where he is not attached like a leach to everything he's ever owned. J has never been all that attached to things. So as long as S and i can restrain our tendencies to accumulate, we should be ok.

i can take tomorrow off. i'm not sure i'll want to, but thanks anyway. It's a nice gift.

i am still pretty moody, but at least not consistently beating myself up needlessly, or even needfully. (As if i would know , which i don't)

This morning when S and i had sex, i couldn't hold off cumming when he was fucking me. Then when he came, i felt like i was cumming, but it was mostly emotional. i felt so relieved that i had pleased him that it was like i was crying. No tears but the same shaking and sobbing type of breath. i felt so grateful, and even more so when i made a slight move to get off of him and he held me there close. When he cums it is so exciting to me. He doesn't cum when i give him a bj, but it does get both of us very ready.

Anyway i wanted to get this down as that emotional part at the end of sex is happening more often and more intensely.

Overall i've had a better day today. i had my focus back, for the most part. The meditative masturbation was very helpful. i told S i was taking a bath so that i would have some privacy. Not ideal, since he was in bed on the other side of the door and i didn't feel i could make noise, but still it was very helpful. i had wanted to pull my focus out of myself and somehow couldn't until that.

So i masturbated more than usual today and i will continue that for a while with these "demons" pestering me. i was ok until i started on my walk and went down the path. i found myself assailed with doubts about whether i had made the right choices in terms of what things i had gotten done. The litany of things i perhaps should have done instead, that it was now too late to do today. Whether i would have the presence of mind to remember to do them tomorrow. And on and on. i could say that at times i regret being a doctor because it means that some of these decisions are more important than some other areas of my life. But in terms of my internal life, i know it wouldn't make a difference because this kind of insecurity has been with me at least since my pre -teens.

i found myself wondering if the discomfort i have felt the past few days is really any more intense than what i've felt in the past, or if it is really the same. Maybe it feels worse because i've had a break from it.

At any rate i also came to the conclusion that i'm much happier when thinking about how to please other people than thinking about how to please myself. i'm confused about this. i'm "supposed" to find out what i really want, but so far i'm finding that i seem to want less and less. Except for needing reassurance, that seems to be more and more.

It is a bit frightening to me to feel that i don't really want anything in particular except to be pleasing and obedient. i feel as if i'm dissolving or something. It also reminds me of how i felt when i was very depressed (about 12 and 13, although it really lasted til i was 17). Many times people would ask me what i wanted either in the next ten minutes or the next ten years and i really had no inkling at all. Which they seemed to find very odd.
i don't even seem to want to read, which is something i usually can't stop myself from doing.

Well now i'm scaring myself more which is to no purpose.

S has decided to see if he can give pipsqueak away. i feel good that i've managed to let him make the decision on this one. Pretty much by saying that i was ok with it either way.

i wonder if some of my upset during the walk was triggered in a sense by his reaction when i told him "i'd like to take Blue on a walk while there's still some light, if that's ok with you." And he said, "Do whatever you like." Which is the normal thing for him to say, so why am i upset by it? This is my deal, not necessarily his.

He is happier, that's for sure. He was saying how much so tonight and when we went out for dinner on Wed. He said i seemed a lot more focused. He also said he felt he needed to do more around the house, because he could see how much i'm trying to do and is worried i'll get frustrated and explode. i said, " You have plenty to do with your business!" He agreed. And i agree with me too. If his business goes well i might even be able to cut back on my work hours again.

i wish that cooking didn't take up so much time. But it does. Tonight i was really the only one who ate anything. But if i don't cook for me, then there is no food for me. So that's that. Maybe i'll get more efficient after a while.

When we were out to dinner i was telling him about my older journal entries and how i was constantly judging myself and not able to find a focus. He said he feels the same way himself.
So we talked a bit about that some more, ie judging oneself, and how that gets in the way. And then the steak had that horrible "prairie dust" stuff on it that makes my mouth burn, but fortunately i only have one sore in my mouth from it. We sent the steak back and got another one without all the junk on it. That sort of derailed our conversation. i was glad i had my epi-pen with me, although i've never needed to use it.

i've been thinking a lot about jealousy too, but that just ties in with insecurity, etc. And i'm tired.

i am still in a rotten mood.

That said i am focusing more on my arousal and on being pleasing, which brings me some comfort. Trying not to dwell on my emotions and thoughts so much. Just to stay present.