Still Learning
i can tell that i have to learn to interact with J differently. It will take a while. It's strange because for such a long time, he has been such an honest soul. Always coming up and saying,"I know you'll be upset with me, but . . ." and then saying that he spilt milk or broke something or whatever. He's growing up now and can't stand to be wrong. So now it's "J, i told you it's time to do . . ." And J says, " I forgot" or "I don't remember". Then when i tell him what i said 5 minutes ago, "I KNOW!!" he says with a certain degree of moral outrage. It's about this point that i start loosing my patience.

Of course i should expect this from a child who at 2 would tell me or any other adult, "That doesn't work for me", with the poise of a 40 year old business man making plans for a meeting. i think i just have to be firmer with him. And he likes routines more than the rest of us do. He is so different from P, who we've had to bend over backwards to make sure we aren't overly critical. P will make sarcastic remarks, but overall he is so anxious to please and to prove himself that the occasion to discipline him is rare.

S and i talked about the kids and what to do while i'm gone. i was not very supportive of S when we went out to Literacy night. S is uncomfortable around people he doesn't know. sometimes i get uncomfortable with him because there is a litany of correction and advice to the boys and a heavy awkwardness about his interactions. To me it seems like a divide between wanting to go ahead and take the lead and feeling as if he'll be rude or unwanted if he does. And since he was raised by a good Southern family there is nothing worse than being rude. my complaint is that i, like J, just want to have fun. And i worry about how the kids, esp P feel with S saying every few minutes, "Shh, settle down, can't you just be still, talk to the group, speak up, don't you see we've got work going on here, pay attention, etc. etc." But my intervening and urging him to relax, take it easy, etc. isn't helping anything. He already knows all this about himself, why am i rubbing it in?

He said when we were talking about this upcoming week, that he wants to have some order, but not fuss in a way that just "squashes exuberance". That puts us on the same page. Now if we can just get there!! i feel i err in my desire just to have everyone have everything they want, so long as there is no immenant danger. This leads to chaos, kind of a fun chaos, but still chaos. And when S is stressed he tends to get very compulsive about things, even little minor things that he normally can tolerate, totally get on his nerves. i think he gets afraid of his temper at times. i've never been on the recieving end of it, as i've said before. But i think it's something engrained in the family blood, because his father has even more of a temper ( think charging into his wife's place of employment with a gun ready to shoot her boss, type of temper. Of course he didn't, but still . . .), but never ever has turned it on either of his wives.

That is something though, yesterday when i was washing dishes i cracked our glass salad bowl (a wedding gift from one of my friends). When i pointed it out to S he said, "That's ok, it's not like we don't have other bowls" then a bit later he kind of muttered, "At least you didn't dent your fender again" And i thought, rather surprised, because it is unlike S to bring up the past, "That was years ago!" But i didn't say anything, i mean what can be said about something like that, "i'm sorry, again?" i felt more amused than anything. It makes me wonder if he is becoming more comfortable with sharing more of his feelings with me, "negative" feelings as well as positive.

Well got to go now, check on the rest of the dishes, etc.

Goals
It's a relief to have help with this. At least at this point. Rebellion in one form or another will probably set in after a while. i've never been good at the goal setting thing when it is something for myself.

i'm very excited about this trip. S is nervous about being "in charge" for a week. i told him he would be fine, he will do great. He's worried about having confrontations with J. i told him that i have a confrontation with J every single day, often with both of us near tears by the end of it, so the only way to go is up.

S has camped out with P the last two nights, leaving me alone. P loves having him out there with him. i think it's good for them to have some time being guys together.

We saw "Million dollar Baby" tonight. i would have changed the ending somewhat. i thought it was very well done. The trainer student relationship was a bit reminiscent of this process. And now especially i'm tired and thinking of a quote from the movie that went something like this, "He will keep you so tired that you can only hear his voice. .." Off to finish a couple chores and to sleep.

Goals
Here is my attempt at a list of goals. i am grouping them in little categories, that sort of fit into priorities of some sort, as i feel them.

1. Things that need to be done daily or life just doesn't go smoothly:

2 loads laundry, best if ironing done too.
dishes, kitchen counters
kids have a bedtime that is enforced.
dinner ready between 5:30 and 6:30.

2.Ditto but about weekly:
bills
clear out car, purse,
groceries
buy gas
general cleaning (sweep, touch up bathroom, dust)
pet cleaning

There's probably a monthly list somewhere, but i've never gotten that far.

3.
Decluttering house. Really it's easiest to list what doesn't need to be decluttered:

master bedroom is ok, still a bit of papers. i don't do anything with S's things, just the kids and my own. He's very particular about his things.

Bathrooms are ok, actually probably could do with a bit more stuff in them, except for master bath.

Front hallway and dining room are ok.

The rest of the house is horrible. It's not so much needing storage as just sorting through and getting rid of things that aren't needed /wanted/ used anymore. After i do that then i can get a sense of what we have that might need storage. But as of now, it's just getting things cleared out. Like i did with the hallway and stairs.
These are the areas: kitchen, sunroom, living room, laundry room, play room, upstairs hall, 2 kids bedrooms, my office, basement.

4. Things that need to be done soon (ie have deadlines):
-- renew MD license
-- arrange for graduation presents for FDS graduates from high school.
-- decide on summer vacation plans depending on what S wants to do.
-- plans for FDS summer program for kids

5. Things that i've put off that i'd feel really badly about if i died tomorrow:
-- Arrange for my mother's ashes to be scattered (she told me she had no idea where she wanted them to go, before she died, but she wanted them someplace or places beautiful, not in a box, where they are now.)
-- Arranging for the money sent to me by one of my mother's students to be donated to the NC Botanical Garden , possibly where some of my mother's ashes will be scattered.

6. things i've put off (tipo) that i would feel terrible if the other person died tomorrow :
--This is mostly correspondence, keeping in touch with relatives and friends i don't get to see very often, but who are very very dear to me.

7. TIPO that are basically a nuisance, a minor annoyance. It would make life more pleasant if they were done, but not the end of the world or anything:

Filing papers. Organizing pictures, memorabilia.
Mailing off items that need to be exchanged or repaired.

i'm going to look over this again tomorrow and maybe the day after and see what i've left off. i'm beginning to not think very clearly. . . need to get to bed.

Promises, promises
i mean me. Didn't meet the goals i set for myself, again, although my car is clean for the first time in i don't know when. (Maybe i should write a country song about that). So that should count for something i guess! And i did get a bit, a little bit done in the kitchen. Being ill kind of put a damper on that, and my preparations for my trip. Let's see what other excuses i can come up with.

Actually what i want to put down in the brief time i've allotted for this is what happened last night when S and i made love. i was spooned up against him and he always feels so good. He held me and i sighed and twitched a couple of times, then tried to settle down. He started to play with my nipples and played with them until i came, then he played with my cunt until i came again, then he fucked me, even was on top, until we both came. We talked some afterwards, and he said that he had been planning to sleep, but had felt me moving and thought, "Really you ought to do something for her." i said that he didn't have to i would have been ok. Then he said something to the effect that he thought it was good for him too to have sex more often. And that now i seemed to always want him, and he said it in a sort of bewildered / bemused tone.
So ( now i'm over my time limit) i was happy that he realizes that i actually do want him all the time. Again it concerns me a bit because i hope he will know he doesn't have to please me.

My goodness! Or should i use stronger language! Now i'm really anticipating my trip! Ok, i'm putting this down to make sure i won't forget, mastubate 3 x a day, last time in bed after meditative bath, with plug, vibe and scarf. i may cum then once. remain tied with plug and vibe while sleeping. i can't imagine what sort of dreams that will conjure up!

However it will be very reassuring during the day and help me to stay focused. Or not. Will just have to see.

i went shopping today and found two pairs of shoes that are ok i think. One is very comfortable, not exactly to my taste, but at least they fit!! The other pair is more dressy, slides with a low heel about 1.5 inches. Not quite as comfy , but ok as long as i'm not walking a lot. Then i bought a dress and two skirts. The dress is very nice, one skirt is denim and the other is a linen office type thing. None of them button up the front or have slits up the front, styles that S seems to prefer i don't wear. i'm glad that i had some luck, because two of my summer outfits are beginning to fray at the edges. So i won't be able to wear them too much longer. i looked at swimsuits and saw one possibility, but of course i hadn't even thought to bring panties with me!! It was much less of a shock in the fitting room to see just me with nothing on as i tried on clothes. The first time was a bit strange.

i'm still experimenting a bit with some of the grooming. i am unhappy with my legs, when i shave i seem to always have some type of razor bump on them. So i've started using my epilator has a little motor and tweezes out the hairs. But actually the thing that worked the best for me is buffing the hair off my legs, just need to order the buffing mitts. i've been thinking some about sunless tanning for my pale legs too, but so far every formulation has something i'm allergic to in it. So i may just have to accept being pale.

i spent a year abroad during college, in London and studied at the London School of Economics. Managed to pass my exams. When i came back to the States i thought that a new race of people had arrived while i was gone. It took me about half an hour before i realized that the new race was "the suntanned". Some skin cancer runs in my family, so i usually try to avoid tanning.

i started sorting through the kitchen a bit today. Tomorrow will be very busy. In fact i'm going to leave off now so i can get some rest and be ready for it.

Loosing weight: J felt sick to his stomach today also, so i guess it is a virus, as he didn't eat anything that i ate. So it's possible that i might be ok with something approaching wheat, but i 'd better wait to experiment more until after my trip.

i need to buy some new clothes, well i did anyway, but now that there is less of me . . . well nothing quite fits right anymore. Even my favorite expensive dress now looks ok, but not as ok as it did last year when i had bigger curves. So i have mixed feelings about this weight loss stuff. Hopefully i'll settle down and not loose anymore. i enjoy the walking and feel much stronger physically overall. i asked S about the thinner me, and he said he is happy as long as he has "enough to hold on to". So apparently that's ok. It is strange to have my breasts be smaller.

In fact i feel a bit morose about it all. i don't know why exactly. i guess it's because i wasn't really intending to loose weight or not quite this much. So i suppose it is a control issue isn't it. As long as i'm healthy it should be ok.

i don't like shopping, i'm thinking of just doing it on-line and getting it out of the way.

Arousal: i think i'm becoming addicted to pleasing. i mentioned in the forum that there have been times recently when just thinking that i'm being pleasing has brought me right to the edge of cumming to the point that i am afraid i'll slip right over. i seem to be getting confused again about exactly what i'm feeling physically.

This morning while S was fucking me i had to be quiet because P was awake. For me that is a challenge. i had to be content with a lot of heavy breathing. i wasn't actually completely sure if i came or not, just that my thighs were shakey afterwards. After S came he held me. He said "You did well", meaning not making noise. Then i got teary eyed with joy because i had pleased him that way too. Later this afternoon he said that he felt like a king after "my wake up call and having coffee made for me too". Of course that made me happy.

Before we fucked, i had given him a blow job, seems to be the start of a Saturday am ritual. He said that "if i was wet, had my diaphragm in and could be quiet . . ." i wasn't sure that i was wet enough, but i was. It helps that his cock is always very hard after i've sucked on it. i think part of the reason i enjoy this so much is getting to notice and feel all the changes in his cock and balls the whole time.

At other times it is confusing to me even when to put down that i've masturbated. There are times when i set aside a bit of time very intentionally for it and that i am good about recording, but there are other times of either idle fiddling where i don't try to bring myself to the brink of cumming. and then there is inserting the plug which is often extremely arousing and could be considered masturbating too. Also there are times when i check my arousal and find that i'm closer than i thought, i don't cum, but i get to the edge rather alarmingly quickly.

A few times i have felt the urge to ask S for anal sex, but i have worries about if i am ready. i also have no idea if he would be interested or not. i still worry a bit too about if he would feel pressure to say yes to please me, not knowing that i would accept his no. And i 'm not sure if i've dealt with how i would feel if he said no. Not that such a thing is always predictable.

Well it's quite late, must stop.

Work: i had a pretty good day at work considering i had to break the possible lupus news to my patient. i'm referring her to S's rheumotologist, because he is so good, and so nice. i'll have to write a treatment summary so he knows what has gone on. She is depressed so she didn't show much expression. The mother understood a bit more. But was also feeling a bit in shock. That's appropriate i would say.

Then i saw my emergency from last night. A true manic, looking like most manics do when they are really worn out, but can't slow themselves down. Pasty skin, looking exhausted, this large man with piercing eyes met my gaze and i smiled. He shuffled down the hall with his large day-timer notebook in running shoes with no socks, hair unwashed and uncombed generally a bit unkempt. Yet with a very gentlemanly style, politely asks where he should sit. Sits and then proceeds to talk my ears off. Telling his story in excruciating detail, at first constantly assuring me that every bit is true, expecting me to disbelieve. "I have friends in high places, places of power." He has his talismans on display, a cross around his neck, a discreet hoop in his left ear (i have no idea what that means these days, can't keep up with all that) and a "White House Staff" shirt, provided by one of his friends in high places.

His manner reminded me of ED, very sweet even in his mild grandiosity. Eventually he decided i was ok, took his shoes off, lay down on my couch (asking politely if each was ok first) and continued talking non-stop, while complaining that the medicine i had called in for him last night was making him feel soooo ssslllooowwww. i assured him that he didn't seem slowed down to me.

i need to call him over the week-end to touch base. and i've got another patient i need to call tomorrow also. i love my work, but i have to admit that when i left work today i really felt like i didn't want to think about it anymore.

But i think that's because i ate those spelt pancakes and it's messed up my gut. Spelt is related to wheat, i was checking to see if maybe i could tolerate the spelt. But i think not. i feel very drained and a bit nauseated.

i did start planning my trip. It looks like my hotel doesn't have high speed internet, so i need to check out what internal modem i have and what i need to do to be able to check my e-mail while i'm gone. There is a lot that i just haven't learned about all the computer things. The details change so rapidly that i only bother when i really need to know. i can always ask my brother for advice, if i get somewhat desperate.

Think i'll take my medicine and go to sleep now. Hopefully i'll feel better in the morning.

i am not sure that i have a whole lot to say tonight, but then that's what i thought yesterday and it wasn't true then.

i've had a couple of rather heady days at work recently. Today i had the odd experience of feeling elated for about two seconds and then feeling despair. The patient i think may have lupus or some other similar thing, probably does, her tests came i today. So tomorrow afternoon i see her again and will need to set her up with a rheumatologist, unless she has a really good family doctor who wants to treat her. But i think she really needs a specialist at this point. So there i was thinking "Yes! i'm brilliant!" and then thinking "i wouldn't wish lupus on my worst enemy" Then again i wouldn't wish schizoaffective disorder (her diagnosis up to today) on my worst enemy either. And at least with the proper diagnosis she might actually get some treatment that will help her, instead of the nightmare her life has become at this point.

Then yesterday i had a very good day with all my patients. They all left feeling better than when they came in. And today with the patient i'm seeing every other week for therapy. . . i may have to see if he is willing to come in weekly. i have to decide how i feel about it too, because i'm seeing him pro bono and i have to be sure i won't harbor resentment towards him before i offer this. i have a bit of time anyway, because he is having surgery near the end of this month and that will put a bit of a hold on things. But i was happy to have him involved enough that he was asking for more from the session. He brought in some notes for me. And what he said indicated that he wasn't able to "hold" the session for two weeks. i also started him on medicine, which has never helped him in the past, but everything has to be tried.

CM
i am not sure what i want to write about today.
But i think i will write about CM, although i haven't finished the last twenty or so pages. Well it was only ten, so i just finished reading it.

The process of reading the book was interesting to me, watching my own reactions to what she describes.

i didn't care too much for the first part, numbers. It brought back bad feelings for me. Although the whole idea of a caravan of men following a lead car for miles and miles to an unknown meeting place to fuck a particular girl has to appeal to the narcissist in me. And it makes me laugh. Surely most women have thought about sex in that context, that "i am so attractive and desirable that thousands of men want me".

i did relate to her feelings about , " I grew into a rather passive woman, having no goal other than those other people set for me." This is the veritable story of my life. Except for medical school i guess, since no one in particular was pleased with my decision. No one was particularly discouraging either. i felt it was my best chance to help people in general, given my limitations and abilities as i understood them at that time. And although i hated most of the medical school experience, it was partly easy because everything was set out as to what to do. It was nearly impossible to please anyone, but at least i never really had time to worry about what to do with myself.

As i said before when she started talking about her fantasies i realized that the situations she was in were indeed what she wanted. She certainly enjoyed giving pleasure.

i felt a certain amount of jealousy for her situation vis a vis mine. In my "wild days", i was never anyone's particular girl friend as such. In my hippie group possessiveness of any sort was strongly frowned upon. Of course it was generally the guys who frowned upon the girls jealousies. They were entitled to fuck whomever they could get. However things were egalitarian enough that should a girl have many lovers, they would be frowned upon also for making a fuss about it.
So my jealousy was that she had, especially early on, someone who was watching over her, making sure she was treated correctly, some type of protection.

Now i never had any particularly brutal experiences, but many times i was just a random fuck. i could see not minding this as much as i did, if i was doing it, at least in part, to please someone who actually cared about me. And no one ever particularly commented on whether i was especially "good", so i could only gauge that by requests for repeat experiences. That was variable. i think that in a way i would feel less guilt, and i have to admit there is some bad feeling still, if i had slept only with people who i knew gave a damn. Not that they had to be in love with me, but that they had some interest in knowing me as a person and some degree of respect for me. The bad feeling seems connected to not caring much about myself and having that reflected back to me in my experiences. i don't feel as awkward about what i actually did. i can understand much more why i wanted to have sex as much as i did, even when the bulk of the time i didn't enjoy it.

Now this book was also helpful to me in terms of "i didn't enjoy it". Because obviously i enjoyed it in some way or i wouldn't have chosen to keep doing it. (another thing which always puzzled me)
i remember with one of my first lovers, the first who slept with me more than once. He was fondling me. i was lying down feeling terribly afraid. Now i realize my fear was that i would displease him or someone else. He was fucking me with his fingers and after a time he laughed with satisfaction and said, "you just melted". This puzzled me greatly, because my mind was completely occupied by my fear of doing something wrong. It was nowhere near my cunt. My cunt was off on a distant planet somewhere. i was generally more aware of pain than of pleasure in that region of my body. But i did love being held and kissed a great deal. And i always had a great sense of satisfaction when the man i was with came. i actually felt guilty at times about this very vicarious pleasure.

The scene when she looses her virginity in a tent by the sea reminded me of my cross country camping trip with the woman i lived with during med school. We were almost completely unself conscious until we were at a campsite and didn't make love, but spent several hours talking and laughing and laughing. The next morning a woman said,"You sure were having a good time last night!" And she and i realized simultaneously that everyone had been hearing our cries all across the USA. i'm not sure it made a lot of difference in our volume. We laughed about that too.

i also can relate to her feelings of guilt about having secret vs. open "infidelity". i think that was in the moral code of my little group too. One was supposed to tell about all the love affairs. So i ended up knowing more about the sex lives of my best friends from DJ than i really wanted to know. Or at least i would have preferred hearing the details from them rather than him. Sometimes even down to postions and why those particular ones seemed to work better. And about the girl he picked up hitchhiking and stayed the night with him. Ah well. i don't think i talked that much about who i slept with, not in terms of details.

While she doesn't identify herself as being submissive, i found that the more i read, especially towards the last half of the book, the more clear it was for me that she is very submissive. Her tone is very distant a lot of the time, and often i wanted to know more of the story of her relationships rather than the little snippets she provides. i think that was what was unsettling to me also in the first part of the book. There is a dijointed feeling about how much she reveals of acts and how little she offers of the narrative of her life. On the other hand i came to feel that this is how she experiences life herself, somewhat dissociated from it, and actually fairly comfortable that way. It gives her some unique perspectives on things. So that also helped me understand how she could tolerate experiences that for me would be better off remaining in fantasy. Although my fantasies have not generally gone on the themes that hers have. The amount of male attention i seem to desire is limited to maybe six or seven at the most, and as the fantasy grows it usually is just focused on one. With a few lurking in the background and they don't really come into play, so to speak.

Finally i am not particularly looking forward to the day when people fuck each other in the middle of subway stations. i agree perfectly that sex is much more at the center of things than most would like to acknowledge. And it is good to be frank about it. It is also good to have some descretion and privacy.

One last note about something that happened today. My arousal was more up and down. Yeast infection, just on the outside (i think). However when i was walking to get the kids, i thought " S is pleased that i am doing this." i was wearing the plug and really i thought i was going to cum just thinking about S feeling pleased.

Some Changes in S
Today i noticed several changes in S, or i suppose it's over the last several days. S is a very opinionated driver. Fortunately, i generally earn his approval as a driver, although of course there is room for improvement. And he generally drives anyway if we're together, because he is more comfortable that way, and it's no big deal to me.

Each car trip is punctuated by his disgust at the other hapless drivers who of course are oblivious to how mercilessly they are goading him. During our marriage i've approached this many different ways, getting no where. i've pointed out that no one is paying his stern looks, flashing lights etc any mind. i've pointed out that their behavior is not personal, they are probably just lost in their own thoughts and have no intention to offend anyone. Once or twice i've asked him to calm down (only if he was really loosing his temper).

Anyway now i say nothing, or ocassionally even agree with him, if i actually do agree with him. i think it was yesterday or Friday he turned to me and said, "Why do I give these people the power to get me so upset! I don't need to do that." i'm not sure this will be a sticking type of thought yet , or ever, because he is so used to complaining when he drives. i would be very thankful if it would stay around awhile, because he has high blood pressure and he drives a lot. If he were able to relax more when he drives it would be a nice thing for his health.

Today he was home most of the day and did the dishes and changed the sheets on the bed, things i've been doing mostly. i thanked him! And he wanted to walk with me again, but there was the beginning of a thunderstorm and he decided against it. So i guess on some level my increased activity has inspired him. It's so hard with his arthritis. He used to hold my hand and i'd have to pull away because he would unconsciously tighten his grip so much that it was painful. Now he is marvelling every day at how strong my dinky little hands are. And all this in just about a year or a year and a half.

When we made love last night, i was so excited that i thought i was going to cum before he started fucking me. And then i couldn't hold back again. i couldn't believe how wonderful he felt inside me. After he came i thought i was done, but i started to cum very hard a second time.

i think the work plan is starting off fairly well.
i'll know more after i've been using it a few more days.

i forgot to wear my plug this morning, actually i didn't forget, but S was in the bathroom every time i went in there to put it in. i finally left without it, feeling upset that i couldn't be as obedient as i intended to be. And hoping that i could be as aroused without it, no not really. i was able to wear it to my meeting tonight. i took it out before remembering that i could wear it during my walk with Blue.

The other thing i wanted to put down hereis that it seems like P is considering becoming a vegetarian or at least eating less meat. He's mostly been having peanut butter sandwiches. he asked what tofu tastes like (nothing no flavor), and he keeps saying, "It's not necessary to eat meat."

i think i'll buy some vegeburgers or something similar the next time i go to the store. See if anything strikes his fancy.
That's about it before i collapse to bed.