This morning in bed i was snuggling up to S, and started kissing his shoulder. He said, "I haven't had a bath". i said that i didn't care, but he told me no. So i stopped, feeling somewhat disappointed. "Besides" he said, "there's no way I could sleep if you did that (gave him a bj)" i was a bit sad about it, i had been looking forward to giving him a bj. i know he needs more rest when his arthritis is bad. It took me a few minutes to calm myself. "I love you" he said. i was able to relax into that and feeling him next to me. i dozed for a while before getting up.

This evening after dinner i had a bit of difficulty staying at the table while he chatted. my tendency is to want to get up and go on to the next task. It helped to focus on my arousal and on just sitting there. Sometimes i find it a challenge to listen because he has a high interest in what i consider trivia. Usually after a while i can find something to comment on or that is of some interest to me. And i have to remember that i haven't been around for almost a week, so he has a lot of thoughts to run by me that he couldn't share while i was gone. i am not as successful with this as i would like. Part of my problem, is that i do not divide my attention well. i have to do one thing at a time usually. So if i am focused on a task, especially if i am reading something and he starts to speak to me . . . there is no way. Generally i stop what i am doing to listen/speak to him. But sometimes i don't and that hurts his feelings.
"I'm boring you again" he says. Generally i say something along the line of "i want to listen to you." Since sometimes i am bored with the content of what he is saying, but i definitely do want to listen to him.

i was feeling somewhat satisfied, since i got caught up with ironing, finished the dishes and cleared off most of the kitchen counters of clutter. i had hoped to get to the grocery store, but as time grew short i realized that i had enough food to make dinner. This evening i feel some discontent, and even felt some resentment about doing as much around the house as i did. i haven't felt that for quite some time.

So leaving that, for the moment anyway, what about the scarf? And etc.? i presume. The scarf . . . well i've never done any bondage with other people. On my own i've constricted my self at times and found it quite arousing. Sometimes S will put his foot over mine and hold it for a while with just his weight so that i can't move my leg easily. And i like that a lot.

This was different. i didn't find it directly arousing. i found the scarf more comforting. The silky feel, the limited movement of my hands, except when one would slip out in my sleep. The bed was a platform type, so there was nothing i could attach to. so i tied my hands together, loosely. The comfort of being tied like that felt very very natural to me. That was a surprise. If it were a practical thing i would just have stayed tied, but it is not practical, or socially acceptable. Instead i either wore the scarf as a belt, or carried it in my purse, where it is right now. i don't understand why this experience was so comforting but it was, and just thinking about it is very comforting.

The vibe, other than my "overuse" of leaving it in me for longer than i was supposed to, i also find it very enjoyable. After the first night, i found that
i would cum with it very quickly, even if i was trying to delay and even without touching my clit. Today when i mastubated with it in my cunt, i made an effort to see if i could tolerate it inside me for longer without cumming. i could "ride the wave" and get myself to back off once and then the second "wave" was higher and i turned it off and pulled it out, because i felt i wouldn't be able to stop. After that first night i didn't feel the deep calm as much. But today i did feel that sense of calmness before the vibrations got intense enough that my arousal started to take off. i like feeling it deep inside me, esp. when i am plugged.

i'm going to write more about some of what i learned at the convention, for example there was a talk about aggression that had some useful points in it, i thought. But i can't remember what they were at present.

S felt he was too dirty for me this morning (well he really wanted to keep sleeping also). i thought later today, if he feels squeamish about this, maybe he will never feel comfortable about anal sex either. It's ironic in a way, given that he lived in a morgue for a couple of years and saw who knows how many autopsies. He's licensed as a plumber and has dealt with that sort of mess countless times. He's happy as a clam covered in motor oil working on a truck, but he doesn't want me to give him a bj when his cock's a bit musky! i don't get it, but to each his own, i suppose. Patience patience and all that.

Not Able to Hold Back
Last night when S and i made love i sought very deeply not to cum, but he was not going to cum for a long while and when i let go and came i was unable to hold back and came several times. Of course it was wonderful. He said "I know you would have enjoyed it more if I'd finished." And i laughed and said "Well it's not exactly as if i'm unhappy!"

This afternoon he was feeling awful with arthritis. He joked with me, that at least his cock didn't hurt. i said that it also seemed to work quite well. "I don't know," he said, "I think we'd better keep testing it." i'm not going to object.

Convention stuff:

My first class was the kundalini yoga class. It was focused on theory and scientific studies for the first third and then learning a variety of breathing and chanting techniques to control various mental disorders for the rest of the day. Some of them are supposed to be curative, if one has the discipline to do them properly. The most ironic one is the one for ADHD which has a very complex breathing pattern. It seems as if one almost can't have ADHD to be able to do the pattern, unless one is coached.

Some of the theory is very interesting having to do with the two hemispheres of the brain. The left brain (and right side of body) is the male or sun brain, focused on practical details, making plans, etc. The right side of the brain (left side of body) is the female or moon brain, associated with rest, rejuvenation and expansive consciousness.

The theory and he has several studies which support it is that the hemispheres take turns being more active, hence periods of the day when one is more inclined to rest and others when one wishes to be more active. The studies showed that breathing through one nostril activates the contra-lateral side of the brain. However most of the breathing techniques did not require blocking off one nostril.

There is one very simple technique that i think i will teach to several of my patients to reduce anxiety. Some of the others require much more effort and/or chanting. i'm not sure how many would be comfortable with chanting. A good number of people here associate anything to do with yoga with Satanic worship. Go figure. The chanting is interesting because either the vibration caused by the sound and/or the pressure of the tongue on the roof of the mouth stimulates acupuncture points on the palate.

My emotional reaction. It was quite relaxing and invigorating. The instructor as i mentioned before, had an attractive personality for me. He had a good sense of humor and was pretty open about himself. He also had a no nonsense approach to his teaching. When a position was difficult, he would say "So it hurts, so what, there will be a lot of benefit from it." "Keep going, half way there". When some of the other students said, "How am I going to get my patients to do this?" He said, "They either do it or they don't, you can't control that, don't worry about it. It's not your problem. You just offer it to them."

When i went up to the front after the class, he was fiddling with his computer and i just stood there and waited, which is pretty much my style in those types of situations anyway. But i felt a much deeper stillness inside than i usually do. So when he was done with the computer and looked at me, i said "Thank You," And this part i'm not clear on, but i think . . . maybe . . . i winked at him. i almost can't believe i did that! But i think i really did. With all the meditating and breathing and my general state of mind that week-end i was not in my more grounded state of mind. And in my looser state of mind where in i see a lot of life as a pretty good joke; i can easily imagine winking. Because it seemed that he saw life as a pretty good joke too. But winking was not an appropriate thing, being a flirtatious act. Later on i was wandering about wondering what to do with myself when i saw him looking at a map of midtown Atlanta. That's when i was tempted to see if he wanted to have dinner with me. He looked up at me as i passed and his look was so direct and well . . . commanding, that it startled me. Mentally i thought, "What are you thinking about doing, silly girl! This man is too much for you and you have no business with him!" So i walked on by and happily ate a large steak. i felt much less airy after that. When i was a vegetarian amongst vegetarians that light-headed feeling was much sought after, but there is a lot to be said for gravity.

Being Home
It's very good to be here and to be journalling again in my own home. i can hear the kids doing their thing. i know that S is in the basement. The pets are all alive, although some of them were a bit underfed. (Guess i could have given S some specific advice on this) J and P have had a week of fast food meals. It's so good to see them. It makes me feel needed, but i don't buy S's helpless without me routine. J was hugging on me off and on during the closing to sell "my" house (which i never even saw). Even P's first words were a terse, "We've been waiting a week for you to get back."

When we left, of course we had separate vehicles. S said "I'll try to follow you" i gave him a puzzled look. i knew he knew the way home, why did he want to follow me. Then as we drove off i suddenly felt i understood! He wanted to keep an eye on me. i felt very protected, loved and aroused watching his truck in my rearview mirror. When we got separated by a red light i felt bereft for a bit. Being with him i feel so much more solid and present.

Driving home i was thinking about my feelings and interactions with people during my trip. i felt very open and vulnerable, esp. on Saturday, the first day after the new discipline involving scarves, vibe in my cunt and plug up my ass. i kept that feeling of being very open and childlike the whole trip. Except after the helpful reminder that i shouldn't act like everyone is my long lost friend, i made a conscious effort to be a bit more distant and self-absorbed. i understand more how i got into what seemed to be incredible situations in my teens. The desire to give pleasure to others and the openess, plus how very naive i was (of course). i felt more like myself in some way. This felt wonderful and also as time went on, frightening and tiring. Frightening because, except when i was in my courses, or doing my disciplines i began to have that drifting sense that i had no idea what to do with myself. That anyone or anything could pull me into their stream and i would just drift along with them. Tiring because there was no base, no focus.

As soon as i was with S again i started to feel much more grounded.

Before i end this to go to sleep, i wanted to make sure i'm clear on what is allowed without permission and what is not.

For example: i understand that giving my address to the man on the street is not allowed. Also making the arrangement for dinner that never happened with the man from Boston is not allowed without permission.

On Tuesday i took a course on managed care contracts. There were only about 5 of us in the course and the instructor and i ended up eating lunch together. Talked alot about negotiating with managed care companies and nothing personal except as related to my practice situation. Was this ok?

Then Tuesday evening had the reunion party with for my residency program. Just a drop in thing with fantastic food. They even had some simple food that i could eat, lamb, salad, fruit. It was great! Back to the point:
1. i met my best friend from residency who moved several years ago and we lost touch. She had her office across the hall from me my third year, plus we were already friends before that year. We exchanged adresses etc. Is that ok?
She was with her husband and it was wonderful to watch him gaze at her while we were chatting away. He adores her. He said "And just this morning she was saying 'If only I could meet c here it would be perfect!'"

2.She was pointed out to me by one of my chief residents from my first year of residency. He and i chatted quite a while too. i was always fond of him.

i set up his best friend with one of my friends and they ended up marrying. They already were very attracted to each other. Just when he asked me if she might go out with him and whether or not she was worried about her biological clock running down, i was able to say something that happened to be the perfect balance between she would love to go out with you, no she's not desperate to have a baby, in fact she's not actually desperate at all (which may have been stretching things a bit).

But we (now i'm talking about the former chief resident at the party) didn't exchange anything. OK, i admit i let him kiss my cheek when i left. i have to admit that i've always admired him. i wasn't even a blip on his radar back when i would have been available.

This next ties in, i noticed when i was happily drifting about smiling at everyone, that the feeling i had was not new to me. i used to have the same feeling of sublime happiness when i had the chance to stroll about New York City. Often (not always) i loved being surrounded by people, just any people, i felt wonderful with them around me, not even noticing or interacting with me, just to be in each others presence, walking about doing whatever we were doing. i realize now that there is a strong sexual component for me there, that a good part of my happiness in that situation was arousal. i don't know if i mentioned this before, but it has been in my mind a lot lately. When i interviewed for medical school, one interview was with a medical student. He asked me the infamous, why do you want to be a doctor question. And i answered tritely, to help people. So he said, "Well what have people done for you?" i was a bit stunned by his question and by how emotional i felt about it, "Everything, " i said, "People have given me everything." i was even teary eyed when i said it.

So somehow all this is connected with my inner, at times hidden, at times not, wanton sluttishness.

i will catch up my calendar in the morning, and hopefully will have a lot more journalling time this week-end because there is still a lot to talk about.

Effects of arousal
There is a lot to say and i don't know how much time i'll have til there's a line for the computers. But i may as well start.

What to say about the new discipline. The first night i was so relaxed during masturbation and after i came. The feeling of a deep calmness was very profound. i felt where the plug and the vibe were touching through the tissues, esp. when i turned the speed up on the vibe. i loved the scarf, i thought i would find it annoying, but i didn't. Although both nights so f ar i've woken to find one hand managed to slip out during my sleep.

The only problem i have is finding a position where the vibe doesn't press against my pubic bone and eventually cause some soreness. i've had to take it out once or twice each night for a bit of a break. i don't know if this is because of my anatomy, or if i'm not relaxed enough to accomodate everything comfortably for longer periods. When i masturbate with the vibe as i get more and more aroused the vibe can go deeper and deeper. And the deeper it is the greater the feeling of peacefulness. It's almost as if i go somewhere past arousal, but then when i touch my clit i cum just about immediately. Last night my cum was long.

It was hard for me to settle down last night because i was so excited about the events of the day. i met two old friends. People i hadn't seen in over ten years! That was great!

Also on Sat morning (yesterday) i woke feeling very peaceful and full of love. i had decided to walk to the convention center and i sort of floated out of the hotel. i found myself interest in and smiling at everyone i passed, unless they seemed uninterested. i reminded myself of my younger son, J, who as an infant would stare at strangers until they looked at him. Then he would beam at them, and of course they had to smile back. One man i made eye contact with came up to me and asked for help. He'd had all his money stolen out of his car, wa from out of town and didn't know what to do. So i gave him $20. He took my address so he can send it back to me later. We gave each other a couple of hugs also. i felt very good about this, only worried that maybe $20 wasn't quite enough. There have been several times when others have "rescued" me in somewhat similar circumstances, so it felt good to help. And i just like to help anyway.i guess what made the interaction more remarkable was that i felt so open, i felt more intuitive and more trusting of my intuition. i have been much less inclined to be suspicious of people automatically. i feel a greater joy. i found that with both men and women i have been seeking out contact more. Anyone i interact with i am more inclined to try to find something nice to do in our interaction, even if it's just to joke around a bit. And people have seemed to respond well.

In fact today, i was asked out twice! Once by a young man who may be young enough to be my son. He offered to "show me Atlanta", very polite and friendly. He's a waiter where i ate tonight, he wasn't my waiter. Then when i was walking back to my hotel i said hi to one of the passing psychiatrists and we started chatting (where are you from, blah, blah blah). So i'll probably go out to dinner with him, unless S feels i shouldn't. Then i almost asked the instructor of the kundalini yoga course if he needed someone to eat dinner with. But i was scared of him. Meaning i was actually attracted to his personality and that frightened me. He has a very direct gaze, if you know what i mean. So i let that go by, although i felt a bit haunted for a while by his eyes. i did thank him at the end of the class and shook his hand. i almost started to chat with him, but it felt like i didn't have anything to say. i felt way too submissive with him to trust myself. Very odd. Or maybe not so odd. Just i haven't felt like that for a while, except sometimes with S, but that's different.

i think that's all for now. It's a bit aggravating because the computer here is unpredictable in where i can get to and what it refuses to do. i have a lot more to write about later, about some of the courses i've taken and what i've learned, some of it connects with submissiveness. i need to collect my thoughts first.

Still Learning
i can tell that i have to learn to interact with J differently. It will take a while. It's strange because for such a long time, he has been such an honest soul. Always coming up and saying,"I know you'll be upset with me, but . . ." and then saying that he spilt milk or broke something or whatever. He's growing up now and can't stand to be wrong. So now it's "J, i told you it's time to do . . ." And J says, " I forgot" or "I don't remember". Then when i tell him what i said 5 minutes ago, "I KNOW!!" he says with a certain degree of moral outrage. It's about this point that i start loosing my patience.

Of course i should expect this from a child who at 2 would tell me or any other adult, "That doesn't work for me", with the poise of a 40 year old business man making plans for a meeting. i think i just have to be firmer with him. And he likes routines more than the rest of us do. He is so different from P, who we've had to bend over backwards to make sure we aren't overly critical. P will make sarcastic remarks, but overall he is so anxious to please and to prove himself that the occasion to discipline him is rare.

S and i talked about the kids and what to do while i'm gone. i was not very supportive of S when we went out to Literacy night. S is uncomfortable around people he doesn't know. sometimes i get uncomfortable with him because there is a litany of correction and advice to the boys and a heavy awkwardness about his interactions. To me it seems like a divide between wanting to go ahead and take the lead and feeling as if he'll be rude or unwanted if he does. And since he was raised by a good Southern family there is nothing worse than being rude. my complaint is that i, like J, just want to have fun. And i worry about how the kids, esp P feel with S saying every few minutes, "Shh, settle down, can't you just be still, talk to the group, speak up, don't you see we've got work going on here, pay attention, etc. etc." But my intervening and urging him to relax, take it easy, etc. isn't helping anything. He already knows all this about himself, why am i rubbing it in?

He said when we were talking about this upcoming week, that he wants to have some order, but not fuss in a way that just "squashes exuberance". That puts us on the same page. Now if we can just get there!! i feel i err in my desire just to have everyone have everything they want, so long as there is no immenant danger. This leads to chaos, kind of a fun chaos, but still chaos. And when S is stressed he tends to get very compulsive about things, even little minor things that he normally can tolerate, totally get on his nerves. i think he gets afraid of his temper at times. i've never been on the recieving end of it, as i've said before. But i think it's something engrained in the family blood, because his father has even more of a temper ( think charging into his wife's place of employment with a gun ready to shoot her boss, type of temper. Of course he didn't, but still . . .), but never ever has turned it on either of his wives.

That is something though, yesterday when i was washing dishes i cracked our glass salad bowl (a wedding gift from one of my friends). When i pointed it out to S he said, "That's ok, it's not like we don't have other bowls" then a bit later he kind of muttered, "At least you didn't dent your fender again" And i thought, rather surprised, because it is unlike S to bring up the past, "That was years ago!" But i didn't say anything, i mean what can be said about something like that, "i'm sorry, again?" i felt more amused than anything. It makes me wonder if he is becoming more comfortable with sharing more of his feelings with me, "negative" feelings as well as positive.

Well got to go now, check on the rest of the dishes, etc.

Goals
It's a relief to have help with this. At least at this point. Rebellion in one form or another will probably set in after a while. i've never been good at the goal setting thing when it is something for myself.

i'm very excited about this trip. S is nervous about being "in charge" for a week. i told him he would be fine, he will do great. He's worried about having confrontations with J. i told him that i have a confrontation with J every single day, often with both of us near tears by the end of it, so the only way to go is up.

S has camped out with P the last two nights, leaving me alone. P loves having him out there with him. i think it's good for them to have some time being guys together.

We saw "Million dollar Baby" tonight. i would have changed the ending somewhat. i thought it was very well done. The trainer student relationship was a bit reminiscent of this process. And now especially i'm tired and thinking of a quote from the movie that went something like this, "He will keep you so tired that you can only hear his voice. .." Off to finish a couple chores and to sleep.

Goals
Here is my attempt at a list of goals. i am grouping them in little categories, that sort of fit into priorities of some sort, as i feel them.

1. Things that need to be done daily or life just doesn't go smoothly:

2 loads laundry, best if ironing done too.
dishes, kitchen counters
kids have a bedtime that is enforced.
dinner ready between 5:30 and 6:30.

2.Ditto but about weekly:
bills
clear out car, purse,
groceries
buy gas
general cleaning (sweep, touch up bathroom, dust)
pet cleaning

There's probably a monthly list somewhere, but i've never gotten that far.

3.
Decluttering house. Really it's easiest to list what doesn't need to be decluttered:

master bedroom is ok, still a bit of papers. i don't do anything with S's things, just the kids and my own. He's very particular about his things.

Bathrooms are ok, actually probably could do with a bit more stuff in them, except for master bath.

Front hallway and dining room are ok.

The rest of the house is horrible. It's not so much needing storage as just sorting through and getting rid of things that aren't needed /wanted/ used anymore. After i do that then i can get a sense of what we have that might need storage. But as of now, it's just getting things cleared out. Like i did with the hallway and stairs.
These are the areas: kitchen, sunroom, living room, laundry room, play room, upstairs hall, 2 kids bedrooms, my office, basement.

4. Things that need to be done soon (ie have deadlines):
-- renew MD license
-- arrange for graduation presents for FDS graduates from high school.
-- decide on summer vacation plans depending on what S wants to do.
-- plans for FDS summer program for kids

5. Things that i've put off that i'd feel really badly about if i died tomorrow:
-- Arrange for my mother's ashes to be scattered (she told me she had no idea where she wanted them to go, before she died, but she wanted them someplace or places beautiful, not in a box, where they are now.)
-- Arranging for the money sent to me by one of my mother's students to be donated to the NC Botanical Garden , possibly where some of my mother's ashes will be scattered.

6. things i've put off (tipo) that i would feel terrible if the other person died tomorrow :
--This is mostly correspondence, keeping in touch with relatives and friends i don't get to see very often, but who are very very dear to me.

7. TIPO that are basically a nuisance, a minor annoyance. It would make life more pleasant if they were done, but not the end of the world or anything:

Filing papers. Organizing pictures, memorabilia.
Mailing off items that need to be exchanged or repaired.

i'm going to look over this again tomorrow and maybe the day after and see what i've left off. i'm beginning to not think very clearly. . . need to get to bed.

Promises, promises
i mean me. Didn't meet the goals i set for myself, again, although my car is clean for the first time in i don't know when. (Maybe i should write a country song about that). So that should count for something i guess! And i did get a bit, a little bit done in the kitchen. Being ill kind of put a damper on that, and my preparations for my trip. Let's see what other excuses i can come up with.

Actually what i want to put down in the brief time i've allotted for this is what happened last night when S and i made love. i was spooned up against him and he always feels so good. He held me and i sighed and twitched a couple of times, then tried to settle down. He started to play with my nipples and played with them until i came, then he played with my cunt until i came again, then he fucked me, even was on top, until we both came. We talked some afterwards, and he said that he had been planning to sleep, but had felt me moving and thought, "Really you ought to do something for her." i said that he didn't have to i would have been ok. Then he said something to the effect that he thought it was good for him too to have sex more often. And that now i seemed to always want him, and he said it in a sort of bewildered / bemused tone.
So ( now i'm over my time limit) i was happy that he realizes that i actually do want him all the time. Again it concerns me a bit because i hope he will know he doesn't have to please me.

My goodness! Or should i use stronger language! Now i'm really anticipating my trip! Ok, i'm putting this down to make sure i won't forget, mastubate 3 x a day, last time in bed after meditative bath, with plug, vibe and scarf. i may cum then once. remain tied with plug and vibe while sleeping. i can't imagine what sort of dreams that will conjure up!

However it will be very reassuring during the day and help me to stay focused. Or not. Will just have to see.

i went shopping today and found two pairs of shoes that are ok i think. One is very comfortable, not exactly to my taste, but at least they fit!! The other pair is more dressy, slides with a low heel about 1.5 inches. Not quite as comfy , but ok as long as i'm not walking a lot. Then i bought a dress and two skirts. The dress is very nice, one skirt is denim and the other is a linen office type thing. None of them button up the front or have slits up the front, styles that S seems to prefer i don't wear. i'm glad that i had some luck, because two of my summer outfits are beginning to fray at the edges. So i won't be able to wear them too much longer. i looked at swimsuits and saw one possibility, but of course i hadn't even thought to bring panties with me!! It was much less of a shock in the fitting room to see just me with nothing on as i tried on clothes. The first time was a bit strange.

i'm still experimenting a bit with some of the grooming. i am unhappy with my legs, when i shave i seem to always have some type of razor bump on them. So i've started using my epilator has a little motor and tweezes out the hairs. But actually the thing that worked the best for me is buffing the hair off my legs, just need to order the buffing mitts. i've been thinking some about sunless tanning for my pale legs too, but so far every formulation has something i'm allergic to in it. So i may just have to accept being pale.

i spent a year abroad during college, in London and studied at the London School of Economics. Managed to pass my exams. When i came back to the States i thought that a new race of people had arrived while i was gone. It took me about half an hour before i realized that the new race was "the suntanned". Some skin cancer runs in my family, so i usually try to avoid tanning.

i started sorting through the kitchen a bit today. Tomorrow will be very busy. In fact i'm going to leave off now so i can get some rest and be ready for it.

Loosing weight: J felt sick to his stomach today also, so i guess it is a virus, as he didn't eat anything that i ate. So it's possible that i might be ok with something approaching wheat, but i 'd better wait to experiment more until after my trip.

i need to buy some new clothes, well i did anyway, but now that there is less of me . . . well nothing quite fits right anymore. Even my favorite expensive dress now looks ok, but not as ok as it did last year when i had bigger curves. So i have mixed feelings about this weight loss stuff. Hopefully i'll settle down and not loose anymore. i enjoy the walking and feel much stronger physically overall. i asked S about the thinner me, and he said he is happy as long as he has "enough to hold on to". So apparently that's ok. It is strange to have my breasts be smaller.

In fact i feel a bit morose about it all. i don't know why exactly. i guess it's because i wasn't really intending to loose weight or not quite this much. So i suppose it is a control issue isn't it. As long as i'm healthy it should be ok.

i don't like shopping, i'm thinking of just doing it on-line and getting it out of the way.

Arousal: i think i'm becoming addicted to pleasing. i mentioned in the forum that there have been times recently when just thinking that i'm being pleasing has brought me right to the edge of cumming to the point that i am afraid i'll slip right over. i seem to be getting confused again about exactly what i'm feeling physically.

This morning while S was fucking me i had to be quiet because P was awake. For me that is a challenge. i had to be content with a lot of heavy breathing. i wasn't actually completely sure if i came or not, just that my thighs were shakey afterwards. After S came he held me. He said "You did well", meaning not making noise. Then i got teary eyed with joy because i had pleased him that way too. Later this afternoon he said that he felt like a king after "my wake up call and having coffee made for me too". Of course that made me happy.

Before we fucked, i had given him a blow job, seems to be the start of a Saturday am ritual. He said that "if i was wet, had my diaphragm in and could be quiet . . ." i wasn't sure that i was wet enough, but i was. It helps that his cock is always very hard after i've sucked on it. i think part of the reason i enjoy this so much is getting to notice and feel all the changes in his cock and balls the whole time.

At other times it is confusing to me even when to put down that i've masturbated. There are times when i set aside a bit of time very intentionally for it and that i am good about recording, but there are other times of either idle fiddling where i don't try to bring myself to the brink of cumming. and then there is inserting the plug which is often extremely arousing and could be considered masturbating too. Also there are times when i check my arousal and find that i'm closer than i thought, i don't cum, but i get to the edge rather alarmingly quickly.

A few times i have felt the urge to ask S for anal sex, but i have worries about if i am ready. i also have no idea if he would be interested or not. i still worry a bit too about if he would feel pressure to say yes to please me, not knowing that i would accept his no. And i 'm not sure if i've dealt with how i would feel if he said no. Not that such a thing is always predictable.

Well it's quite late, must stop.